Sunday, August 12, 2001		Article

Why do brides cry during their bidai?
Roshni Johar

WITH the dancing, feasting and pheras over, it’s time for doli or vidai rather the grand finale to a wedding, when the bride leaves for the groom’s house. Invariably, the moment the band or the shehnaiwalas start playing the old favourite chhod ke babul ka ghar, mujhe pi ke nagar, aaj jana pada, the mood immediately swings from a cheery to a weepy one. The bride bursts into tears a la Bollywood style with parents, relatives and friends joining in a tearful adieu. Now the daughter has become parayi.

It is a natural grief, felt at the time of separation

Sociologists opine that the ceremonial crying of a bride portrays her reluctance to leave her parent’s house and to give up her carefree childhood to begin a life of a burden-bearing wife. Therefore, ceremonial weeping is a natural grief signifying that she is resisting departure to her groom’s house.

This custom of crying perhaps originated from the ancient days of child marriages when a child bride was forcibly taken away from her mother’s arms and sometimes even from her lap. Obviously, the child would cry being too small to understands its meaning. No wonder, in those days toys formed an essential part of the dowry. Traditionally and appropriately so, in Indian culture girl has two births. One before and the other after a marriage.

Some historians feel that crying brides is also a remnant of the ancient custom of marriage by capture. All the same. It is a natural grief, felt at the time of separation. An essential part of a traditional wedding, weeping brides are customary not only in India but also in other parts of the world especially in Indo-European cultures.

The Germans considered crying essential for a happy married life. A German proverb says "Laughing bride, weeping wife. Weeping bride, laughing wife," The meaning is crystal-clear: she who cries not, must cry afterwards.

Among the Romans, the crying bride ran back to her mother’s arms. Then she used to be ceremoniously carried away by her husband and his male friends.

The Russian brides cried very loudly. The louder they wailed, the more applause and admiration they acquired from everyone especially her in-laws. Even her husband was considered very lucky to have a wife with such a qualification.

Greek weddings have an old custom which is still followed today. When a marriage party leaves for Church, the bride starts sobbing and refuses to join the marriage procession. The groom ceremoniously announces, "Leave her alone to weep." The bride responds by saying, "Take me away from here, but let me weep."

Brides wept for other reason also. For, strange customs followed the wedding ceremony signifying her inferior status and subjugation to the unknown groom. Croatian grooms literally boxed the ears of their weeping wives to show their mastery over them. However, Slavonic grooms gently beat their newly-weds three times.

Russian customs went much further. The grooms used to take off their boots to beat their wailing wives on head to show their male dominance. In another custom in an Eurasians region, at the time of departure to the groom’s house, the brides father took a new whip to strike his daughter and then present it to his son-in-law. This act signified that he had relinquished his authority over his daughter in favour of the groom.

No wonder newly-wed women cried on such occasions!