How to work and have happy children
Alexandra Gibby

LESS time to give doesn’t mean less love to give. Yet so many working mothers feel guilty. Don’t! You have a right to your happiness. Being happy, fulfilled and out to work, you’re more likely to have happy kids than those who feel thwarted staying at home. There’s no scientific evidence to suggest that children of working mothers have more psychological hang-ups than other kids. Think positive.

Involve the kids

• Talk about what you do.

• Never trivialise your job, children(especially daughters) need to feel that what mother does is important.

• Remember, a small child won’t have a clue what your job means unless you spell it out. They’re hardly likely to rhapsodise over the latest sales figures but they’ll love all the little "human" details of your day ("Remember the nasty Mr Rodrigues in Dispatch who wears a yellow shirt? Well....")

• Fix a visit to your place of work. If it’s possible, encourage them to call you (occasionally!).

• Explain what’s in it for them. A small child won’t appreciate if you say "Mom’s working so we can go for a holiday." He or she will understand better if you say "Because Mommy works, it means we can afford to see the movies and eat out once in a while."

• It’s very easy to overindulge a child if you are feeling a bit guilty about working. If you sense you’re being manipulated, ask why. Be cheerful, positive, loving — but firm.

• Organise as much as you can the night before so that each morning, instead of a chaotic houseful of individuals all going separate ways, you all sit down together for a family breakfast. It maybe only for 10 minutes.

• Discuss what each family member expects of the day. That way you’ll have a link to connect up at the end of the day.

• If you get sick of yelling "Breakfast is ready", invest in a gong.

• Make sure everyone in the family understands why you’re all making this effort.

• Learn how to motivate your kids into wanting to help. Nagging will cause you stress and them resentment. A sulky "Why should I?" is, in fact, a fair question deserving of an answer.

• Start them off with the nicest jobs when they are very small— like feeding the dog — but never share one job between two children; have a clear division of labour (or the dog won’t be fed at all).

• If you are going to make each child responsible for the tidiness of his or her room then it seems only fair for that child to have some say in the standard of tidiness expected.

• With slightly older children motivate them to help by drawing up a formal ‘contract’. Arrive at the actual wording by a bit of give and take. Stick it prominently in the kitchen. "Rahul to get Rs 10 extra a week for emptying the trash can every day."

• Much more important than seeing that the work gets done is seeing that having given your word, you keep it.

• Is it impossible to enjoy shopping? Not without organisation and positive thinking.

• Prop up a blackboard in the kitchen; get Dad and the kids to jot down any item of food that’s running short.

• Never shop more than once a week. The walls won’t cave in because you’ve run out of potatoes.

• If you have a husband to help, turn a shopping trip from a hassle into a building experience by taking just one child at a time. Let the child tick off the list, compare prices, suggest new foods. This way you will be giving the child the precious gift of your undivided attention.

• Don’t head straight for the potato peeler the moment you walk in. Fix yourself some tea, coffee, put your feet up, put your arm around your kids and listen.

Are you a cool parent?

ARE you the sort of free and easy parent kids love to have — or do you clamp down on bad behaviour and insist on house rules? Try this quiz to find out whether your methods are the right ones.

1. Your child turns up with his/her gang after school. What happens:

a. You tell the friends to go home — your child has homework to do?

b. You provide drinks and biscuits and allow an hour’s play, then tell the friends to leave — it’s homework time?

c. You let them get on with it — who cares about homework when your kid’s having fun?

2. Your daughter brings home a boyfriend for the first time. Do you:

a. Express horror?

b. Welcome the boyfriend, and make sure that you are very much around?

c. Leave them alone as much as possible — you remember what it’s like to be young and in love...?

a. Agree — it’ll be a laugh?

b. Agree to a party, but stress on limited numbers and refuse to let in gatecrashers — you will be in the kitchen to prevent trouble?

c. Refuse?

a. Get some patterns from the sewing shop and make for her a few blouses and skirts?

b. Go with her to the trendiest shops and let her spend an agreed amount?

c. Give her money to spend and send her off with her mates?

a. Agree to fund the new outfit if he puts in a certain amount of hours helping in the garden and/or round the house?

b. Buy it for him straightaway?

c. Flatly refuse to buy it — he has to grow out of the old one first?

a. Provide a balanced vegetarian diet that fits in with the rest of the menu and wait to see what happens?

b. Insist that he eats meat along with everybody else?

c. Switch the whole family over to a meat-free diet?

a. Laugh scornfully and tell them to be quiet?

b. Listen sympathetically to their point of view?

c. Agree wholeheartedly?

a. Buy her several pairs?

b. Explain that high heels are very harmful for growing bodies, but she may have just one pair for very special parties?

c. Refuse point-blank to listen to her on the subject?

a. Ignored completely?

b. Listened to sympathetically?

c. Allowed to put his/her destination of choice into the hat like everybody else — and you will go if it gets picked out?

a. The baby’s second name is, er, Rover, Fido or Patch?

b. The child is told to pick a more suitable name at once — or nothing?

c. You gently change the child’s mind, for example, by suggesting they choose to name the baby after a favourite fictional character such as Madeline or Christopher Robin?