Is money sabotaging your relationship?
Victor M. Parachin

FOUR of the most highly sensitive subjects related to marriage are sexual intimacy, in-laws, parenting and money. Ironically, it is the last one, which is often the least-talked-about aspect of a relationship, but the one which causes many couples the greatest problems. In fact, a survey conducted by Citibank indicates that money is a leading cause of divorce. In their survey, it was learned that 57 per cent of the divorced couples said financial disputes were the primary reason why they did not get along. Furthermore, a study of 2,000 men and women by Roper Starch Worldwide confirms that money, more than issues of sexuality, parenting or in-laws, is the most common source of conflict for today’s married couples. Here are 10 smart ways to avoid money conflicts and keep them from sabotaging your new relationship.

Discuss each financial issue with openness and honesty. Couples should make it a point to establish a common understanding about how money will be made, spent and saved. In their book "Getting Ready For Marriage," family therapists Jerry D. Hardin, and Dianne C. Sloan, advised that couples answer the following 10 money questions together in order to achieve a common understanding concerning their financial life.

• Will you both work after the marriage? After children are born?

• Who managed the money during each one’s childhood — the mother or father?

• Who will manage money matters in your household?

• Do you plan to save money each month? How much?

• Do you plan to buy a house?

• How soon? How much will have to be put down for the deposit?

• Do you have basic insurance: automobile, medical, life? How much do you need?

• Are you a spender or a saver?

• What about your mate?

• How many credit cards do you consider too many?

• Define "fun" money.

• Will you maintain separate or joint checking and savings accounts?

Know the money facts. It is astounding how many mates do not know how much money comes in and where it goes from month to month. Many conflicts can be avoided by simply taking the time to know the money facts in your family. Shelby White, author of "What Every Woman Should Know About Her Husband’s Money," says: "Both partners should know how much money the other has or owes, how assets (stocks, etc.) are held, how much and what kinds of insurance exist." White advises both partners to review the tax return (don’t just sign it); understand your entitlements under your partner’s retirement plan; know where the house deed, insurance plan, credit card as well as other important financial papers are kept. "The keys to a financially secure union are knowledge and participation, not control and abdication," White says.

Be reasonable. Extend common courtesy to your partner. If you’re too loose with money, make an effort to show some discipline and restraint. If you’re too tight with money, make a concerted effort to loosen up. One woman, seeking counsel from a divorce lawyer, complained: "Although my husband makes a lot of money, he has established such a tight family budget for me that I’m afraid to have lunch with a friend for fear of crossing the budget." The lesson from her sad and unhealthy experience: never make your mate a beggar. Be sure your worldly goods are shared properly.

Keep it a team effort. The optimal way to avoid money conflicts is for mates to make decisions together. Whether it is a monthly budget or considerations pertaining to long-term planning, the husband and the wife should make it a team effort. Remember to hold financial discussions at a time when you are both rested and relaxed. Too many couples only deal with money when tensions are already very high. Financial challenges are met more effectively when neither one of you is under a great deal of stress.

Deal sensitively with conflicts. The emotional issues connected to finances can be defused when both partners are aptly prepared to deal sensitively with a conflict. In her book "Sex, Money and Power," family therapist Linda Barbanel, offers these general guidelines:

• Maintain receptive body language. Keep your arms loose and unfolded, make non-threatening eye contact and don’t point in an accusing way.

• Try to describe feelings without using a loud, cold or sarcastic tone of voice.

• Convey all of your observations about the situation and explain what makes you so upset. Make a point of sticking to neutral, factual statements rather than opinions.

• Do not pass judgment on your partner.

• Edit out assumptions before you speak.

• Stay away from emotionally charged words such as "disgusting, ridiculous and always." These terms only fan the flames of anger.

• Avoid becoming defensive and don’t shut down emotionally when working through a money conflict with your spouse.

Switch roles. One middle-aged professional man was convinced his wife was too extravagant. "No matter how much money I place in the household allowance account, you always run short," he angrily accused. "You have no idea what food costs as our family grows," she shouted back. When they calmed down, he agreed to take over the weekly grocery shopping for the next month. His first shopping trip was enough to show the husband that his notion of how much it cost for groceries was at least 10 years old. In their case, the role-switching was enough to resolve their conflict and lay the foundation for talking about future financial issues from a healthier perspective.

Be fair. One man became angry with his wife when she started working after years of staying at home. The source of his anger was not that she took a job but because she considered her new income ‘fun’ money. "I’ve supported my wife for years with my paycheck, yet her paycheck is only for her clothes or for courses she wants to take. My money is the family’s money, always has been, always will be. Her money is her money. It’s not fair". Learn from each other. For Natasha, a writer, money symbolises security and she likes to fatten their savings account regularly. However, for her husband, David, money symbolises freedom and he is a freewheeling spender. "We have fought for years over finances but now are trying to understand and learn from each other," she says. "There’s much less tension between David and myself because we’ve taken time to learn more about our families’ history with money." When Natasha was a small child, her father lost all his money because of poor financial judgment. "I now know that’s why I get upset with my husband’s propensity to buy things. On the other hand, I now know David’s parents were excessively meticulous and tight in financial matters. He’s beginning to convince me that if I like a dress, I don’t have to save up for it. I can go ahead and buy it. And I’m beginning to convince him that he’s not compromising his freedom by paying bills on time."

Practise the diplomatic art of compromise. Compromise means that one or both parties change some of their fiscal ways. Karen is in the habit of paying a credit card bill the day it comes in. Her husband, Kenneth, gets annoyed, believing that waiting until the due date allows them to earn 30 days worth of interest on the money. Karen bristles each time they eat out and Kenneth leaves one of his lavish tips at the restaurant. The resolution to such frictions is compromise. Curtailing these habits, even slightly, will often smooth out rough edges in a relationship.

Don’t let old ideas get in the way. Couples often operate the same way their parents did. Sound financial advice for one generation is not always smart for the next generation. For example,if your parents grew up during the Depression, they may have instilled some overly cautious, conservative behaviour in you. To correct an imbalance like that, together try to make decisions based on the facts and on what is good for both of you now, not on what your parents would have done in your situation.

Finally, one of the most encouraging facts about money matters is that once couples begin talking about them, the issues are often downsized. Openness allows couples to resolve problems rather than get into a stew about them. 

— Asia Features

TELL ME WHY

Why does my wife assume that her salary is hers and mine is ours? — A resentful husband

• It is his duty to run the house. My income is my pocket money. His salary is for running the house. — Monika Randhawa, 27, Public Relations Officer

• Is not marriage all about responsibility? Isn't it his responsibility to take care of the family? — Khuswant Kaur, 28, government employee

• I need money for foundations, moisturisers, lipsticks, shampoos.... — Mohita Sharma, 30, marketing executive

• He would have been sharing his income had I not been working. I work not to supplement his income but to pass time, so he should not be eyeing my income. — Vinita Bedi, 32, teacher

• Mine is mine and his is ours. This is how the system works. Any questions? — Aparna Kala, 28, journalist

• I thought we were sharing everything in life, including the salary. —Santosh Kumar, 35, software professional.

• I have to look after our kids, my parents, her two brothers and a sister from my salary. All she does is buy lipsticks. —Rajiv Jain, 30, government employee

• I look at the pay just to see how on earth a person can possibly spend so much on cosmetics. You will be surprised every month she spends Rs 2000 on lipsticks, shampoos, cream, etc. —Mukul Bajaj, 35, sales manager

• Is it solely my responsibly to take care of the family? Why does not she contribute? — Naresh Dhiman, 32, software engineer

• Her pay packet is bigger than mine, heavier too. One of these days I am going to quit my nine-to-nine job and ask her to take care of me. — Jatin Sharma, 29, banker.

Why do you get harassed by the authorities when you help out accident victims? — An eyewitness