Giving life a second chance
Aradhika Sekhon

Arti divorced her husband when she found that he was cheating on her. And ironically, he was involved with her best friend. This was actually the last straw in Arti’s traumatic marriage. After an acrimonious divorce, an embittered Arti returned to her parent’s home with her three-year-old son.

Her father was then a serving General in the Army. That was when Arti met Maj Ramesh Vij, who was posted in the same division as the General. Eighteen months later, Arti and Ramesh were married. Today, they have two grown-up sons and their family life is a picture of love, trust and serenity.

"The decision of a second marriage is a difficult one. May be it would be easier for a widow because she’d probably have the memories of a successful relationship to sustain her trust in the institution of marriage as compared to the unsuccessful and failed relationship of a divorcee. My divorce was so bitter that it took me ages to even consider matrimony for the second time. Especially when your child is involved, the insecurity is tremendous. That, and the fear of getting hurt again because you’re not as sure of your instincts as you once were."

In spite of these reservations, Arti took the plunge a second time. "And I’ve never regretted it for a single day. Ramesh has been a wonderful father and husband. More importantly, his family accepted me without any hesitation and that made a big difference because after being hurt once, one is just not prepared to take on the world, not right then anyway."

"The expectations and roles in a second marriage are completely different from those in the first, simply because the dynamics of the relationship between any two people cannot be the same as any other", says Balraj Singh. Balraj got remarried at the age of 60 to Devaki, who is 15 years his junior.

Devaki, a widow, had come to Balraj’s house to nurse his first wife, who was ill and bedridden for four years before she died. She cared faithfully for her and soon became indispensable to the household. Balraj had one son from his first wife who is settled abroad. Devaki, on the other hand, has two daughters, one is married and the other is employed as a nurse. "When my wife passed away, I realised how much I had come to depend on Devaki. As it was, I had been lonely for a long time and although both Devaki and I have children, there was no chance of any of them coming to live with either of us. It was very natural that two lonely people, comfortable with each other, got together and eight months after my first wife’s death, Devaki and I got married".

Devaki, now well established as the mistress of this household, initially had to face a lot of sniggering. Although her daughters stood by her decision, Devaki found the attitude of the neighbourhood people unwelcoming. "People just couldn’t get used to seeing me in my predecessor’s place. After all, she (Balraj’s first wife) had lived in this neighbourhood for 25 years. Even the mais and the sabjiwallas treated me with insolence. Such a situation is infinitely more difficult for the woman than the man." Finally, they sold their house in Chandigarh and shifted to Mohali, where they’ve been living in happy companionship for the past eight years.

But it needn’t be smooth sailing the second time for everybody. "Sometimes, to be true to one relationship, one ends up being unfair to another," says Meena Khanna. Meena was married at the age of 19 to a doctor settled in the USA. However, five years and a 3-year-old son later, Meena was back in Chandigarh, where she picked up a job at a boutique. Slowly, she started picking up the threads of her life and re-established contacts with her old friends, among whom was Raj. Raj and Meena were married three years later, but although they settled down well together, Meena’s 6-year-old son, Rohit, went into a shell.

"Rohit had been through a traumatic childhood. At first, he was witness to domestic violence, tears and quarrels. Then he had to deal with being left to the care of elderly grandparents when I went out to work. Perhaps, my marriage to Raj was one change too many for him". Today, Rohit is 26 years’ old but is unable to hold a steady job and has already been to a drug rehabilitation twice. In retrospect, Raj thinks that both Meena and he made many mistakes with Rohit, specially after their daughter was born. "We tended to overcompensate, let him have his way everytime and made excuses for his misbehaviour", says Raj.

"Had we been firmer with him instead of treating him with kid gloves, maybe he wouldn’t have turned out the way he has". Says Meena, "Raj has been an absolutely wonderful father to Rohit, with an unending fund of patience and understanding. But the rejection from his real father had a deep psychological effect on him. When Rohit was 16, he wrote to his father several times because he wanted to get to know him and visit him in the USA. But there was no response. After that Rohit started going out of hand."

Although Rohit has a lovely relationship with Raj and Meena and loves his stepsister dearly, the couple does have some regrets. "Not for a moment do I regret my marriage to Raj, who has stood by me like a rock. But I feel guilty that may be because of me, my son is suffering."

Meena maintains: "No one wants to break a marriage but sometimes circumstances leave you with no choice. The second time round, one tries harder, is willing to make more adjustments. In the second marriage, as in the first, patience and understanding are the fundamentals".

Balraj too feels that greater tolerance and adjustment is the key to the success of a second marriage. "Respect for one another and the acceptance of each other’s foibles, without trying to change the other."

Artihas this advice to offer: "Give each other breathingspace but always be there for one another".

Of remarriage & resentful kids
Aruti Nayar

Invariably, the adjective that comes to mind when we mention a stepmother or stepfather is "wicked." Thanks to tales of cruel stepmothers and ruthless stepfathers in folklore and fairytales, the bias against a stepparent gets reinforced and strengthened. There are innumerable tales that recount how the stepmother and the stepfather tortured the children and conniving stepchildren cheated the rightful heir out of the family fortune. Small wonder that the stepparent enters tricky terrain, where the odds are, more often than not, heavily loaded against him or her. He or she has to counter resistance from the child, society and even extended family, whose members watch every move of the new entrant with a microscopic vision as it were.

Even an expert in childcare like Benjamin Spock admitted that he had not anticipated the problems that he encountered while trying to forge an equation and win over his 11-year-old stepdaughter. Frustrated with the resistance he encountered, he sought the services of a counsellor who specialised in family therapy. She told him that he had been living in a fool's paradise thinking that the child would accept him within a year.

Similarly, all stepparents who rush in with notions of being superparents, hoping to instantly replace the birthparent in the child's heart, should go slow. The birth parents will always occupy a special place in the child's heart and mind, which nobody can ever usurp or substitute .

In an effort to win over the child the stepparent often goes overboard and puts up with levels of defiance and misbehaviour that would ordinarily draw a lot of flak. Not only does this create an intractable situation in which the child not only often dictates terms but also manipulates the adults with his difficult behaviour. In his heart of hearts each child appreciates laying down of limits and also respects the parent who does it. The stepparent should always be consistent and firm. The child should not be allowed to get away with murder just because the stepparent wants desperately to woo him or her and win approval at any cost. In fact, the responsibility for disciplining the children for the first year should rest with the birth parent. This, of course, can create problems due to the response of the children to the parent's remarriage. There are many factors that control the behaviour and expressed responses of children towards a stepparent.

In the event of a divorce, the children fantasise that their parents will, one day, reunite. The second marriage shatters this fantasy and the child blames the stepparent for this. A child also experiences abandonment because of a divorce. This same feeling of abandonment resurfaces when the parent remarries and the child feels he has been forsaken for someone new. Subconsciously, he starts resenting the stepparent for coming and rocking the boat as it were.

Another factor that is responsible for the child's antipathy is what is referred to as "splitting." According to psychologists, children experience both positive and negative emotions with regard to their parents. In order to stabilise the relationship, they often tend to suppress the negative emotions and express only the positive ones. In case of the stepparent, however, there is no such restraint and the child might turn all the anger and hatred and other negative emotions towards the stepparent.

In case of teenagers, it is tough to get used to the idea of a stepparent because they are already rebelling against the family to first carve out and later assert their identity. The new stepparent can be a target for rebellion and they can make things extremely tough for the new entrant by venting anger, sarcasm, resentment and even mocking the effort of the adult to fit in and adapt to the new situation.

In a single-adult family the child often shares a special relationship with the parent. He might be the parent's friend, confidant and shoulder responsibility willingly. The entry of the stepparent might end this special equation and the child might blame the new entrant for this. As it is, the intimacy that the spouses share does rattle the children, who feel like outsiders.

If possible, the family should move to a new house after remarriage so as to make a new beginning and remove all hangups about territorial possessiveness. If that is not possible, then rooms should be redecorated and allotted. The onus for making a place for the stepparent is on the spouse. With extreme caution and sensitivity, the new entrant should be broken into the family. If possible the children should be mentally prepared in advance

In the event of the person remarrying after being widowed, the new entrant has to contend with the memory of the deceased parent. No effort should be made to erase all old memories and moments because the children as it is feel the parent has betrayed the dead parent by opting to enter into another relationship. The stepparent can make an effort to draw out the child and share the memories of the dead parent. Here, as in other situations, it is caution and consistency that are the key words that should govern the actions and reactions of the adults. Remember, that as far as a stepparent is concerned, less is often more.