10 signs that he loves you
Emma Rigg

HAS your dream guy turned out to be the slob next door? Do you feel sure he’s interested in you one moment, then get plunged into uncertainty the next? Finally, there is a surefire way to sort things out before they even begin.

When you get down to it, what can you really count on in life? Well, there’s the none-too-cherry prospect of your own death for starters, and certainly taxes loom large in the catalogue of human misery. The list could go on and on, but by far the nastiest sure thing in life is unrequited love.

Needless to say, we’ve all been there. You love him, he doesn’t love you, and the process of finding out is excruciating. Every ambiguous statement and innocent gesture drips with hidden meaning. In fact, your whole life becomes a massive, intense decoding operation. Wouldn’t it be easier if there was a manual for this kind of thing, a sort of reference guide to the signs that he’s as mad about you as you are about him (or otherwise)?

Now there is. The following 10 signs will allow you to separate friends from lovers with a minimum of emotional devastation. So without further ado:

How many times has he rung and begun the conversation like this:

You: Hello?

Him: Duhhh....

It may not be quite on a par with the thrilling discourse you share with your aspidistra, but it is one of the surest signs that he’s smitten by you. Men, it is well-known, generally dislike chatting over the phone. In fact, under normal circumstances men will avoid the telephone like the plague unless they have a definite, clear-cut reason to call someone.

When he’s calling you at your office and at home for no apparent reason other than making awkward conversation, then you know something must be up.

Make no mistake, men are constantly telling their friends about women of their acquaintance. Does this mean he’s in love with them? No, it means he lusts for them. Thus, it naturally follows that if he’s telling his friends nonsexual information about you, he must see you in a rather different, relationship tinged light.

This explains the look of blissful relief on his friends’ faces when they finally do meet you. Think about it: he’s been boring them for weeks with detailed descriptions of every aspect of your life, working you into conversation no matter how tenuous the connection.

Not really, but he’ll be trying his best to pretend. Even the ones you secretly can’t stand, he’ll insist are possibly the most charming, intelligent, fun-to-be-with people he’s ever had the good fortune to meet.

But if he doesn’t care much for them, why is he so enthusiastic about meeting them? It’s all part of a typical three-pronged attempt to win your affections. Basically, he thinks: getting on with your friends will please you; he’ll become ‘one of the gang’, allowing him to spend more time with you; and he may be able to secretly squeeze information about you out of them.

Of course, there is always the possibility that he actually does like your friends. One good indication of this is if he manages to remember any of their names two days after meeting them.

This is one of the biggest giveaways. The next time you’re in a restaurant, pay attention to how men talk to women under normal circumstances. See how their eyes are always darting away from the face to the breasts, to the ceiling, to the towering blonde who just strolled in?

Now look at the eyes of the object of your desire. Does he look into yours while you’re talking? Does he seem to be hanging on your every word? Almost more than anything else, this is a sign that he is indeed mad about you.

Or that he is simply mad. You take your chances...

When it comes to time, Men are notoriously inexact. The phrases "I’ll call you tomorrow," "I’ll finish it this afternoon" or "I’ll back soon" mean just as little to the male psyche as "almost ready" does to the female. If a man consistently shows up for your dates on time, it’s obvious that he’s grappling with some major behavioural changes in his quest to gain your affections.

Keep in mind, however, that if a man is any earlier for a date than perhaps five minutes, he is undoubtedly desperate and, if we are to be absolutely blunt, a bit of a dork.

"I just met Jennifer two weeks ago, and since then I’ve learned more about Chinese antiques than I ever cared to know," says Graham. "She’s absolutely obsessed with them, and I haven’t a chance unless I show at least a bit of interest."

A common story, that. You can see men like Graham C. everywhere, especially on weekend afternoons, gamely feigning interest as their girlfriends discuss the finer points of drapery-buying or figure skating.

"To be quite honest, I’m beginning to find myself interested in Chinese antiques too, admits Graham C. If she’d been into something awful like ballet or yoga, I’m not too sure I could’ve lived with myself. There are limits."

Men positively revel in the lurid details of previous relationships. In fact, it’s one of their main topics of conversation when they’re in the company of other men. They can wallow for months in self-pity and regret after a relationship has gone wrong, and find it incredibly difficult to restrain themselves from telling everyone they meet how awful they feel.

However, they are aware that women aren’t too fond of this, and they’ll try to limit their reminiscing when they’re about. That’s not to say the odd, innocuous mention of an ex is unacceptable. Lone, regretful monologues about ‘the one who got away’, however, are simply the pathetic ramblings of a man looking for a substitute for his ex.

Right, just moments after the two of you shared something, what exactly does he do? If he lazily rolls over and plays dead... well this may be a fairly strong indication that this is as far as your relationship goes. If, on the other hand, he seems to want to talk, it may be the start of something very good indeed.

And while on the subject of intimacy, his behavior when he’s at your place can be an accurate indicator of his true feelings for you too. The key is, he should feel comfortable and at ease, but not too comfortable.

A man in love is like a man addicted to X-Files, he needs to know when the next episode will arrive. In other words, if he really likes you, it’ll be important for him to know when he’ll next see you face-to-face.

Do not, however, settle for substitutes. He’s definitely not enamoured if there’s even the smallest hint of wishy-washiness about his inquiries for next weekend. "Uhhh, maybe we could hang out sometime soon," are not the words of a man whose heart longs for your presence.

After seven or eight dates, if he hasn’t actually put how he feels about you in words, he’s probably not the man for you. Of course, if he has put it into words... and it sounded suspiciously like "Now that I’ve gotten to know you, I realise you’re not a nice person at all," that’s also pretty solid grounds for dismissal.

— AF

Surviving vicious men
Rajshree sarda

HE is rude, cold and domineering. He refuses to share his feelings, thereby denying her any chance of being an equal partner in his life. He assaults her verbally, humiliates her publically. He wants her to be on her toes all the time to please him. But nothing she does ever makes him happy. This poor wife is considered and treated as an unacceptable and unwanted burden, a nuisance and a source of trouble. What does a woman under such circumstances do?

Avantika, a topper in her school from Ludhiana, shudders whenever it is time for her husband to return home from work. "He flies into a rage the moment I ask him for something, even if it is something concerning the children. I feel so utterly devastated because his entire behaviour is so damaging and humiliating." He shows no consideration for the feelings of others and speaks in an unduly harsh and abusive way.

Most wives of such abusive persons sustain the relationship often in the hope that in time they would receive some warmth from their partners. But this rarely happens and the abused wife usually spends all her life tolerating the moods of her partner.

Excessive compliance, however, gradually builds up powerful resentment that can result in bitter arguments and fights.

Studies have shown that most men who ill-treat their wives have themselves been cruelly treated in their childhood. But why is the wife used as the punching bag? Because most of the times she is the only other adult closely connected to the "home" atmosphere. However despite the cruelty and mental abuse, some marriages continue to survive. The reasons given are: "What will happen to the children? Where will they go?"

Aruna, a school teacher, has a hard time tackling her husband. When she reaches home at lunch time, she has to face her grim-faced husband Ankur, who is always ready to find fault with her. Either he is furious with her for not getting lunch ready in time or he berates her for being a lousy housekeeper. He behaves as if she does not exist. Even if she serves him a good meal, or keeps the house sparkling, she never gets a word of appreciation from Ankur.

Why do men treat the women who share their lives in such a callous manner? The answer often lies in their upbringing, cultural values and the insecurity that they must have faced at some point in their lives. If his parents have been nurturers and comforters as well as disciplinarians, goal-setters and decision-makers, the child will grow up to be a balanced and responsible adult. Personality problems often begin when there is an imbalance in the parental relationship — when there is a dominating father and a completely submissive mother or a passive father and a dictatorial mother. The abusive person usually has memories of a humiliating upbringing, which he needs to counter by controlling others. He cannot face his own lack of self-esteem and so tries to ensure that the spouse never gets to be in a position to cause anxiety or insecurity. This kind of man does not consider what effect his actions can have on the lives of other people, who he thinks exist only to satisfy his needs.

Many women keep hoping that their partners will change but they seldom do because they feel they have no reason to change. By silently suffering his treatment, the woman gives him the permission to behave as obnoxiously as he chooses to.

So what is the solution? You have to change yourself and make some hard choices. To start believing that you mean something as a human being and that you deserve to be treated well. Of course, it is hard but still you’ll have to try. Another option is to seek professional help to salvage the relationship, a step usually initiated by the woman. You have to set goals for yourselves and decide what you want from your partner and you will have to stick to your guns to achieve that.

The key to happiness lies not in changing the man, but in changing the way he perceives you. If you let him get away with any kind of behaviour he doles out to you then it is time you reassessed yourself. You will not only discover a new meaning to life but emerge stronger and happier as well.