Forging bonds a cure for loneliness
Victor M. Parachin

FRIENDSHIP is a powerful human link that alleviates loneliness, provides a safety zone during emotional turmoil, and generates pleasure in simply being alive. Yet today’s lifestyles, career demands, parental duties, marital obligations, community responsibilities seem to leave little time to form friendships. However, with some thought and a little effort, anyone can cultivate the fine art of friendship. Here are thirteen ways to make friends and forge deeper bonds.

1. Identify your friendship goals. Before moving ahead to establish new friendships or to deepen old ones, take some time to identify what you want to accomplish. Like any worthwhile endeavour, it is always helpful to have goals. Take a moment to write down what you hope to gain by reaching out to others. Your list could include objectives such as:

• Meet new, interesting people.

• Broaden your horizons and get out of an old rut.

• Enlarge your social support system.

• Associate with people other than those at work.

• Feel more connected.

• Experience more vitality and energy in life through stimulating friendships.

• Learn to be at ease with a variety of friends from all walks of life.

• Make friends with people from another culture, race, religion.

• Reduce loneliness.

2. Be like a child. "Have you ever seen a new family move into an established neighbourhood," asks author Chet Cunningham in his book "How To Meet People and Make Friends." "If the family has three small children from three to six or seven, the kids would have found new friends before the moving van is unpacked."

Cunningham notes that adults take much longer than children to become acquainted with new neighbours. The reason: children are less afraid and less inhibited about initiating friendships. "Adults should follow their example. Be open, outgoing, make eye contact and if you’re new in the area, be the first to say hello," he advises.

3. Maintain a sense of humour. People who are uptight, critical, constantly on guard and negative about life are seldom surrounded with friends. "We like to be around people who make us feel good, and we are drawn to those who relieve our tension, let us relax, and make us smile. Humour exudes magnetism," notes Andrew J. DuBrin, a psychologist.

Dr DuBrin notes that any of us can easily develop a sense of humour by training our eyes to see the comic element present in many everyday situations. Especially important is learning to laugh at your own mistakes and foibles. "Laughing at yourself shows you’re down to earth and confident in yourself," Dr DuBrin says.

The much loved and revered president Abraham Lincoln was famous for his self-effacing humour. Once he was walking down the hall in the War Department building when an army officer, in a hurry, barged into the President. When the soldier saw who it was, he offered ‘ten thousand pardons.’ Lincoln responded: ‘One is quite enough. I wish the whole army would charge like that!’

4. Place yourself where you can meet and make new friends. Give yourself the chance to meet and make new friends by changing your habits. If all you do is follow the same routine daily, you severely limit your chances of establishing new friendships. Expand your friendship factor by becoming involved in something different. Every community offers prime areas for establishing friendships such as civic organisations, neighbourhood groups, youth sports associations, political parties, and college and university courses.

5. Practise positive thinking, speaking, and acting. Don’t gossip. Don’t complain. Don’t criticise. Such actions are perceived by people as characteristic of a harsh and judgmental individual. Negative people repel, while positive individuals attract people to their side. A good example is Michelle Kwan, a 1998 Olympic medalist. When she was asked how it felt to ‘lose’ the gold medal, her response was simple, positive, and majestic: ‘I didn’t lose the gold. I won the silver."

6. Learn to receive as well as give. Here is great wisdom for nurturing friendship from Halford E. Luccock in his book "Living Without Gloves." "It is more blessed to give than to receive... (but) the givers who cannot take in return miss one of the finest graces in life, the grace of receiving... To receive gratefully from others is to enhance their sense of their worth. It puts them on a give-and-take level, the only level on which real fellowship can be sustained... It changes one of the ugliest things in the world, patronage, into one of the richest things in the world, friendship."

7. Stand by your friend. Loyalty is an essential ingredient for true friendship. When people face a personal or professional crisis, the world leaves them alone to struggle with the issue. Stand by your friend. Provide comfort, support and encouragement. When you stand by someone who is down on his luck, you’ll win the person’s friendship, probably for life.

8. Listen a lot, speak a little. "The road to the heart is the ear," wrote French philosopher Voltaire. People who listen closely, carefully are always popular, whereas those who dominate conversations and talk incessantly about themselves find their social circle shrinking. Good listeners have many friends because they are attentive, open and receptive.

9. Double up. The time crunch is a major reason people don’t have the kind of friendships they need and want. "There’s just no time in my weekly schedule to pursue and deepen any friendship," laments one mother of three. A creative way to resolve that common dilemma is to double up. Here’s how that works: If you’re going to take your children to the beach for an afternoon, invite a friend to join you. If one of your children is on a sports team, ask someone you want to know better if they are interested in coming with you to a game or practice. Or, if you have a regular exercise routine such as walking, jogging, or biking, invite a companion, who also exercises, to join you.

10. Have an honest look at yourself. If you are consistently feeling lonely and have difficulty maintaining close friendships, have an honest look at yourself to determine if there is something about you that subtly drives people away. Warren H. Jones, a psychologist, has identified a "loneliness-prone" personality. "These people unwittingly do things that prevent them from feeling close to others. Some don’t know how to listen, and they monopolise the conversation. They tend to be more critical of others and themselves; they ask fewer questions, and often wreck a friendship by saying mean or obnoxious things." Make an assessment of your social skills. If you spot a deficiency, work at changing it.

11. Motivate yourself by learning more about the benefits of friendship. Keep an eye out for magazine articles about friendship and read books on the topic. The knowledge you gain will further motivate you to forge deeper bonds with people. For example, many people are surprised to know that a good friendship not only alleviates loneliness and provides important emotional support, but friendships can keep you physically healthy.

12. Be a generous person. "Always be on the lookout for ways to improve the lives of the people you care about," advises communications expert Lillian Glass, Ph.D and author of "Attracting Terrific People." Her suggestions include:

• Share information that might interest them.

• Indulge them with thoughtful gestures.

• When they talk to you, drop what you’re doing and give them your full attention.

• Praise them often and sing their praises to others.

13. Reach out and re-connect. Even if it has been many months or even years since you have contacted an old friend, reach out and re-connect. Along with seeking ways to establish new friendships, don’t overlook the potential that remains in friendships you once enjoyed. Pick up the phone, write a letter, post an e-mail message to a friend, asking for a time when the two of you could get together over lunch, breakfast, or a stroll through a park.

By gently working at cultivating and deepening your relationships, you can transform loneliness, insecurity, pain, and frustration into friendship, security, intimacy, and love.

RELATIONSHIP MONITOR

ONE recent study on the benefits of friendship carried this headline: "Feed a friendship, starve a cold." Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh concluded that an effective way to remain healthy during the cold season was to get a social life. The researchers exposed a group of people to the cold virus and waited to see who would come down with sniffles. The least likely to get sick were subjects who had a diverse array of social networks, such as family ties, church or club involvement, and a socially vibrant work life. Having six or more such ties gave individuals the greatest edge against illness. The relative loners, people with three or fewer relationships, were almost four times as likely to succumb to the bug, says the study author, Sheldon Cohen, Ph.D.

REFLECTIONS

ONE day, an expert in time management was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, used an illustration those students will never forget. As he stood in front of the group of high-powered overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quiz," and he pulled out a one gallon Mason jar and set it on the table in front of him. He also produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?"

Everyone in the class yelled, "Yes!" The time management expert replied, "Really?" He reached under the table

and pulled out a bucket of gravel. He dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks.

He then asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?" By this time the class was on to him. "Probably not," one of them answered. "Good!" he replied. He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand.

He started dumping the sand in the jar and it went into all of the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is this jar full?" "No!" the class shouted. Once again he said, "Good." Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim.

Then he looked at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?" One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard you can always fit some more things in it!" "No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point.

The truth this illustration teaches us is, if you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all. What are the big rocks in your life: time with your loved ones, your faith, your education, your dreams, a worthy cause, your friends, teaching or mentoring others? Remember to put these big rocks in first or you'll never get them in at all."

So, tonight, or in the morning, when you are reflecting on this short story, ask yourself this question: What are the big rocks in my life?