Who drives whom crazy — husband or wife ?
Mohinder Singh

Do men and women drive differently?

Margaret Mead, the noted American anthropologist, when questioned about it, was not too sure. "In the long run, wherever men and women drive the same kinds of cars, under the same conditions, with equal frequency and for the same general purposes, I think one is unlikely to find sex-determined differences in styles of driving," says she.

In fact, she makes fun of the male tendency to pick on women drivers. "I am often amused when I hear an exasperated driver attempt to categorise the source of his annoyance — the idiot on the wheel of an offending car is a Sunday driver, an out-of-state driver, a foreigner, a farmer and so on. Women drivers, as the most readily identifiable and frequently encountered opponents on the road, get a tremendous share of these explosive criticisms."

Yet a popular impression persists that men and women not only drive differently; the two bring fundamentally different attitudes to driving, even to the automobile itself.

Whereas men are overtly concerned with a car’s horsepower and speed, its acceleration and pick-up, women are mostly interested in something nice to look at and roomy to ride, the car as a practical means of locomotion.

Even Margaret Mead concedes that where knowledge of machinery is concerned, men have a great advantage in our culture; girls are not expected to learn about machines or to enjoy tinkering. But then nowadays, when driving a car is more or less a matter of pushing the right button or twisting the righ knob in total ignorance of what’s happening under the hood, this is not an important consideration.

To some experts, differences in expectation change the situation. For example, men are believed to be better at with standing long-distance driving, driving at night or driving in heavy traffic. Now such a widespread belief is likely to have some effect on how women handle a car in such circumstances.

With more and more women driving in our cities, the question whether the two sexes drive differently and how differently assumes some importance.

A lot of wives appear unhappy about the way they’re driven around by their husbands — the dirty little secret of marriage: the husband-lousy-driver (HLD) syndrome. HLD is the real syndrome of many marriages.

"My husband, otherwise a manageable man, turns a macho the moment he slides behind the wheel. Loves to overtake in daredevil manoeuvres. And takes it as a challenge if someone in front doesn’t yield quickly enough. Mishaps are missed by inches, giving me a fright. But what worries me more; a hit may result in a fight. I’d be less tense if I sat in the back seat but he insists I sit in front — and witness his wizardly driving,"complains a wife.

"My husband’s driving is all right except when he drives after an evening party. His sight, not too good at night, worsens with a few whiskies. But he brushes away any suggestion of handing over the wheel to me. Men, it seems, harbour a deep feeling that the man must drive; it’s gentic or something. In fact, if they see a woman driving a man, they experience a sort of contempt for him. They don’t understand how a man, a true man, can surrender the wheel to a woman."

"My husband rates his driving as "above average" — in fact, I haven’t met a man who doesn’t rate his driving as "above average". Anyone whom my husband overtakes is termed a road hog. Anyone who overtakes him is a speed maniac. He curses every erring driver in sight. Even gestures excitedly when angry — at times taking both his hands off the wheel."

"Mine has this infuriating habit of not asking for directions till he has completely lost his way. It hurts his ego to seek help. Once we became so argumentative, we gave up the search for the dinner-party venue and ended up eating an omelette at home in stony silence."

And what do husbands have to say about their wives’ driving?

"Like everything else, my wife likes to get straight to the point. So she cuts corners. We hit so many kerbs we change tyres every six months,"says a husband.

"Mine is no good at reversing. Maybe, she rarely does a reverse in life. And women drivers are no equal to men in fitting cars into right parking places. Recently, a woman psychologist has advanced the theory that men develop better spatial awareness because as boys they learnt to pee accurately into a receptacle while standing up."

"My wife drives too slow; I’m left pressing an imaginary accelerator most of the time. On average, women drive slower than men — dawdling between lines and clogging up the right of way. I would say that the speed at which many women are seen driving seems to have scant relationship with road conditions or what the rest of the traffic is doing; it’s governed by some inner logic of its own," comments another exasperated husband.

"After 30 years of marriage, I and my wife still drive each other crazy. As it happens, I get behind the wheel (she dislikes driving). But as she sits in front, she starts giving ‘suggestions’ while we pick our way through the congested city traffic. ‘That was a risky overtaking. Slow down,’ she says. I mutter, as if to remind her that she initially caused the delay in our setting out for the film show. ‘Will you get ahead of that monster belching black smoke.’ I’m not amused; I had been trying my hardest to overtake the blasted lorry for the past five minutes. At times, I wish we had a car fitted with dual controls, the sort used by driving schools. ‘Better do it yourself,’I’d say, and take my hands off the wheel."

She taught her husband driving
Aruti Nayar

Unconventional and endearing partnership: Anurag and Ritu Yadav

All those who take digs at the lack of ‘drive’ in women drivers and bemoan that they are a traffic hazard should meet Anurag and Ritu Yadav.

He is a senior sales officer with the dietetics division of Nestle India and she is a computer professional who was on the faculty on NIIT before she took a break to look after her two-year-old son. This couple turns all the commonly held, much-touted notions about gender-specific stereotypes upside down. Without much ado or claims about being ‘different’, Ritu and Anurag, in their own simple way ,are demolishing straitjackets and role expectations.

While she is the more sentimental and sensitive one, he is practical and undemonstrative. She was not impressed with flashy and exhibitionistic boys but valued his balanced outlook. That he was a Yadav from Uttar Pradesh and she a Sikh did not hamper either their understanding of each other or the forging of a bond that helped them to relate more as friends.

Even today, seven-and-a-half years later, they continue to be more of friends and even forget they are married! Perhaps it is this camaraderie that has prevented them from getting into the rut of gender specific role expectations.

Anurag recollects how when they had to get their car from the showroom it was Ritu who went there in an autorickshaw and drove back with the new vehicle. "I reached from my workplace on my scooter and followed her". He wanted to learn how to drive a car only on his own car and who could be a better teacher than Ritu?

Early next morning began the driving lessons with Ritu at the wheel as a patient instructor and Anurag as a willing learner. "He was my first (and only) student", says the soft-spoken and gentle Ritu.

Within three days, he had mastered the art of driving and now says he, gleefully, "I can point out her mistakes!" He is a better driver because he has driven all kinds of vehicles on all kinds of terrain, thanks to his travelling job. He feels the bias against women drivers is just a reflection of the bias against women in general. However, he does feel that the reflexes of woman drivers are a wee bit slow.

"We do not teach them self-reliance, autonomy and independence and our child-rearing practices vary when it comes to girls and boys", says Ritu, though she learnt driving when she was 17. As Anurag adds, "If we were to instill confidence in girls right from the start, they would be more sure of themselves".

The couple has not only broken the stereotypical mould as far as driving goes. Anurag pitches in to help Ritu in all the household chores— be it dusting, mopping, cooking or cleaning. And he doesn’t feel any shame if their neighbours see him mopping the verandah or balcony. "Whenever I am mopping or sweeping, it is Ritu who says, ‘What will people say?’ "Who cares about people, they have to say something and they will. How does that affect our life and equation?", he maintains.

He is the one who is motivating her to pick up a job once again because "in computers you cannot afford to lose touch and I want her to use all skills that she possesses."

Interestingly, it was Ritu who taught Anurag computers. "I knew nothing at all about computers but she taught me everything and thanks to her, I am proficient in the use of computers, "says Anurag smilingly. Being supportive and sensitive comes naturally to Anurag because that is how he saw his father help his mother and share everything. .

Even though their grandfathers were friends and the families were known (Ritu played in Anurag’s mother’s lap as a toddler), when it came to marriage, there was opposition more from relatives than the immediate family. Interestingly, today, though the relatives are appreciative of Ritu and Anurag’s unconventional equation, they’re not willing to follow suit.