THESE are all real incidents that have taken place in our schools. And every day many more such incidents must be taking place, but unfortunately, we either don’t come to know of them or choose to dismiss them — all in the interest of "smooth-sailing." These little details, however, are symptomatic of a bigger dysfunction: the way we view our children. Whatever the plea, increased competition or computerisation and other factors leading to reduced employment opportunities, the child is the one who becomes the repository for the parents’ stress; stress if the top position is not achieved in class, stress if cups and medals are not won on the playing field, if debates and contests are not participated in. The normal, natural urge of a parent to see a child perform well, get settled in life has become a Machiavellian obsession which is making miniature adults out of children who should be, well, children. In this era of self-help, do-it-yourself books, parenting has also become a one-upmanship skill: ‘Bhala uska bacha mere bache se aage kaise?’ Schools are not to blame for forgetting little details like heavy school-bags, clean environs and compassionate teachers. For, as per the message given by parents, the student is not an individual with unique needs but a result-producing, programmed organism . Says a teacher in primary school, "Parents hardly ever ask questions about the child’s adjustment in the class, socialising skills or behaviour patterns. Their concerns are most of the time related to performance and marks."

Given the level of competition, over-population and computerisation leading to a shortage of employment opportunities, the parents are not to be blamed for worrying and transmitting that worry to the children. But, we, as a society must now question what kind of adults are we creating? Most of the current lot of young adults — highly-paid marketing gurus, IT wizards, DINKS (double income, no kids) and yuppies (young urban professionals) — must have been subjected to a tremendous amount of stress and pressure around class eighth or ninth. Right from age fourteen till the time they gained employment (around twentythree), their systems must have been under constant stress. The result? Burn-out at age of 30 or 31, stress-related medical problems, psychiatric disorders, refusal to get married and a complete lack of interest in activities that enrich life.

Today’s children come from small, nuclear families, with both parents working. The so-called quality time spent with the parents is often utilised in shunting from place to place to learn all possible activities that would help them carve a niche for themselves. Social and family gatherings are either missed or attended in a rush as there is ‘no time’. Vacation-time spent in leisure with cousins at grandmother’s place is a thing of the past with the advent of the summer school. At age 10 or 11, pressure to perform is already a part of the mental make-up. A child, praying hard at a temple one day before the exam, was asked by his mother that what did he ask for. The nine-year-old said: "I’ve requested God to make my competitor so ill that he doesn’t come for the exam tomorrow and that I should come first." Does the future look richer, better in any way for this coming generation?

Of course, a lucrative salary and a high-flying lifestyle, concepts alien to most middle-class Indian families, have their own compensations, but are they enough? And, if they are enough, why is there a proliferation of courses and therapies that dwell on different ways to attain happiness and peace? Our ancestors turned to meditation in the vanaprastha ashrama, after honourably discharging their duties in grihastha, but we are opting for meditation before we reach 40. Perhaps, the spirit ages before the flesh after packing too much in too short a time. This ‘burn out’ may also result due to a complete lack of leisure-time activities, ‘hobbies’ which have kept children happy down the ages. Reading, stamp-collecting, coin-collecting, painting, et.al. These and a host of other ‘things-to-do’ have bitten the dust under the onslaught of project ‘perfect children’. It comes as quite a shock to hear a seven-year-old complain of boredom! The words ‘getting bored’ have crept into the vocabulary of children because, unwittingly or wittingly, the message they get is that any activity which doesn’t bring some profit or laurels is ‘boring’. This perception is carried on into adulthood where the quest for ‘meaningful’ activities becomes metamorphosed into a hedonistic search for pleasure or a Machiavellian pursuit of making money.

Somewhere, somehow, there has entered into the framework a gap in communication. Children no longer feel free to open out with parents. Even though mothers may dress up well to get out of the image of the dowdy moms and fathers may be playing with children frequently, the child is a lonely soul with many pressures on the mind. Recently, a friend’s six-year-old didn’t reach home on the school bus. After widespread panic, the child was found sitting in school. The reason? "Mummy said that if I didn’t get full marks in dictation, I should not come home." The mother may have been joking or it may have been her way of inspiring an unenthusiastic child, but the ground reality is that the child took her seriously. Children today get the message that achievement and good performance are the two poles of reference for their parents. So, any conversation has to be within these parameters. What happened to contentment, mental well-being and happiness?

The ultimate goal of every life is happiness and contentment and, surely, this is what every society wants for its youngsters. The dysfunction sets in when the wrong signals are received by children and, regretfully, this dysfunction is carried on into adulthood. Our children need the leisure to bring the simple activities back into their lives, they have to be re-introduced to long, lazy vacations at granny’s and they desperately need the assurance that their parents love them, cherish them regardless of their performance, academic or any other. A walk in the soft rain with the father is as good as the extra maths coaching, a morning spent baking a cake for a sibling is as much a source of pleasure as a morning spent surfing the Net; all the things which bind one human being to another and all the pastimes which bring joy, a lust for life are worth sharing with children. Somewhere on the way, the Qs of society have got mixed up — IQ, EQ and SQ have to work together to give a good LQ. Intelligence, emotional and spiritual quotients all need to work together to give a good Life Quotient’, that is, cherishing life, living it to the full and making each day count. And, you can give your child a good Life Quotient if you cultivate it yourself first and then guide your child towards it. With a good Life Quotient, a cheerful, contented child will automatically do well without taking on stress in the process and will grow up into a successful and happy adult, who is at peace with the world and the self. Two analogies used by Rana Bajwa (see box) round off the issue very well. She feels that just as in nature, the green grass grows on its own, the sun shines on, the stars twinkle, flowers bloom, so, given the environment, it is within the laws of nature that a child will excel at what she is capable of. One just has to accept children as they are and give them surroundings conducive to growth. The more the bow bends, the further goes the arrow. As parents, all of us are the bows, flexible, ready to bend and let go of our children, the arrows.

 

For the parents... Rana Bajwa, who has more than 18 years of teaching experience and is currently teaching in St. John’s High School, Sector 26, Chandigarh, has a set of questions for parents: Are you giving birth to children to prove yourselves better than others? Making your children what the others think is the best — is that the only goal in your lives? Are your children only a vehicle to achieve what you couldn’t attain yourselves? Why are children today drooping and anxious-looking rather than blooming and bubbly? Do children have to excel in everything —— studies to sports to hobbies? Is a child a criminal if he/she happens to be ‘average’ by God’s grace? Why do children have to beg for time off from planned, structured activities? Are you giving your children any lasting, enduring human values?