This pondering on his part for a long period over the merits of the non-violent methodology, combined with the general opinion of parents around us that occasional, well-intentioned and controlled spanking of children is a necessity, does occasion a debate as to how far should one go in sparing the proverbial rod. (What happened to Parvinder in a private Chandigarh school — beaten black and blue by the Principal — is not a matter to be debated; every sane person considers it either criminal or sheer madness.)

To begin with, it would be good to make it clear that virtually all child experts and related scientific and social organisations condemn any form of physical punishment to a child, at both school and home. About 10 European countries, including the UK, have legally banned corporal punishment at both school and home. Sweden was the first country to impose a complete ban, way back in 1979, on corporal punishment for children in both school and home. In the USA, there is no federal law against it, but almost half the states and a number of districts and school boards have banned it.

While the definition of corporal punishment is any form of application of physical pain to change or "correct" behaviour, its scope extends anywhere from boxing the child’s ears to shaking or causing him any serious injury. This definition makes it all the more controversial as a lot of parents would not like to bring a minor slap in the purview of corporal punishment.

However, ideally speaking, experts would not have any physical punishment. All of it, they say, is damaging and fruitless in the long run.

Spanking has a few basic flaws as a discipline strategy. A particular level of physical punishment stops having effect after a while; this has been noticed by all who have ever hit a child. Subsequently, if you want a beating to be "useful," the intensity has to be increased. So, where does this chain stop?

Secondly, if during the earlier stages of childhood, the parent has not developed a non-violent method of disciplining, then what is he or she going to do when the child is 15, still risk getting physical? Also, once a child gets used to the physical form of punishments, other methods become more difficult to handle.

Most parents, if they analyse the past beatings they may have administered, would agree that most of the beatings were given at a time when they were irritated or fed-up due to reasons unrelated to the child. This shows that most beatings are given by parents not to inculcate discipline but to give vent to their own frustrations. For instance, if on a hot summer afternoon you have a 4- year-old throwing a tantrum at the marketplace, asking his mother — who wants to rush home to prepare lunch — for a particularly useless toy, you may not be surprised to find the child getting a tight one. But is it the child’s fault that the mother was feeling hot or was in a hurry? Did he learn anything from the spanking? No, he was just confused.

Apart from these basic flaws in the concept of corporal punishment, there are many other arguments forwarded by child psychologists and other specialists:

Ineffective: Spanking is only an immediate and symptomatic solution to a problem. The child does not learn anything from it in the long term. What he gets is a wrong message that he should avoid getting caught for a mistake or tell lies to escape punishment. This is because we never tried to convince him that what he did was wrong, we just made him hurt.

Counterproductive: The confusing signal that a child gets when he is hurt by someone he trusts, can disorient him. He does not know what to make of it, particularly because in most cases an explanation is not forthcoming from the parent. This could lead to defiance, a feeling of revenge, rebelliousness, fear or withdrawal. In a lot of cases, this may lead to heightened bad behaviour.

Teaches violence: At a very basic level, children who receive frequent beatings may learn that it is okay to resort to physical force or violence against the weak when you want things to go your way, just as a parent does. Statistics is quoted to prove that children who were frequently beaten have indulged in more anti-social behaviour down the line.

Considering the extreme case, a preliminary study of death-row inmates in a particular US prison showed that all had been subjected to abuse of some kind during childhood. If extreme abuse causes such extreme results, it may be a case that milder forms of violence against a child may lead to less violent behaviour, but violent all the same.

Physical damage: A parent or teacher may cause unintentional bodily damage like bursting of an eardrum or injuring a nerve or blood vessels. (Film actress Lalita Pawar’s eye suffered permanent damage when as a child artiste she was slapped by a director.)

Also, warns the American Academy of Paediatrics, because spanking may provide the parent some relief from anger, the likelihood that the parent will spank the child in the future is increased, raising the chances of abuse, too.

While it may seem that all mainstream specialists speak against corporal punishment, there are quite a few groups for it too.

In the West, it is mostly the conservative organisations that believe in the said biblical dictum of "spare the rod and spoil the child" (it is disputed if this is from the Bible at all). Most liberal parents are coming around to accept the fact that it is feasible to avoid corporal punishment, though it has taken the better part of two decades and persistent public campaigns for them to reach this conclusion.

In India, most parents and teachers believe that it is okay to give a limited physical punishment if a situation so demands.

One common point forwarded is, "I was beaten by my father, I am still alright." But then, how many of us are "normal," as we claim. Studies have found that even a few instances of beating may lead to depression-related disorders in adulthood. Wife-beating, short temper, irritability, and general aggression can have a basis in corporal punishment, even if only partial.

A lot of studies against corporal punishment include in their statistics cases of abuse. This skews the results. This should be avoided, for when a well-meaning parent refers to punishment, he does not mean physical abuse, which has given a bad name to corporal punishment.

Parents and teachers when asked not to hit a child are most likely to ask, "Then what do we do to teach the right things to a child or control unreasonable behaviour?"

Beating a child to teach him what is wrong is the most simple and seemingly effective way. This is more akin to the Indian police that resorts to physical measures to get information from a criminal rather than using evolved investigative or interrogatory techniques that require training and effort.

When parents are asked not to hit their child, it does not mean that they don’t have to discipline the child. There are ways other than corporal punishment.

The American Academy of Paediatrics advises a "developmental approach to discipline." A disciplined life can begin at infancy by regulating a child’s biological rhythms, which evolve into a regulated life later on. The main parental requirement is to provide generally structured daily routines while also recognising a child’s legitimate demands. This leaves little scope for undesired behaviour.

For effective discipline, the academy suggests three essential points: 1) a positive, supportive, loving relationship with the child, 2) positive reinforcement strategies to encourage the desired behaviours, and 3) applying punishment to reduce or eliminate undesired behaviours. In the last point, punishment does not stand for anything physical.

They suggest techniques like time-out, i.e., ignoring the child or removing parental attention for a specified time, for example making a child sit alone in a chair for a while. With elder children, taking away privileges works better — ban TV watching for the day, stop bike use, or anything else you know the child wants.

Verbal reprimands that attack the character of a child, reduce his confidence, or slight him, particularly in public, are as harmful and useless as corporal punishment. A patient explanation of the bad aspect of a child’s behaviour, instead, makes him accept the punishment better and leaves him more convinced of the parent’s point. Children’s intelligence should not be underestimated; they understand a reason when given one. You tell a four-year-old child honestly that he can’t have a particular toy because you can’t afford it, he will most likely understand.

Kathryn Kvols, president of the International Network for Children and Families and author of Redirecting Children’s Behaviour, gives a nine-point strategy to get results without spanking. 1) Get calm: if you feel angry and out of control, leave the situation if you can, and calm down. You will find an alternative to the situation. 2) Give yourself time: parents are more likely to spank when exhausted. Find time to rest yourself, and gain control. 3) Be kind but firm: When the child ignores repeated requests to behave, get down to his level, make eye contact, hold him gently and tell him in a kind yet firm voice what you want him to do. 4) Give choices: Faced with a kid who refuses to change his clothes, instead of forcing it, ask him if he’ll wear a blue shirt or a yellow one. 5) Use logical consequences: Consequences that are logically related to behaviour help teach responsibility. If a 10-year-old child has hit a food bowl in the kitchen with a ball and toppled it, ask him what he would do to compensate for that. He may suggest cleaning up the mess and then filling water in the coolers for the mother. 6) Make-ups: If a child has broken a promise, tell him you are hurt and ask him to make up to you. The child may commit himself to a good deed and also keep this promise for he is keen to restore his integrity with you. 7) Withdraw from conflict: If a child is being rude and answers back, withdraw immediately, but do not leave the room in anger or defeat. Calmly say, "I’ll be in the next room when you want to talk more respectfully." 8) Kind but firm action: If you don’t want your toddler to touch a particular thing, offer him an alternative object to distract him and take him away to the next room. You may have to repeat this till the message is conveyed. 9) Inform ahead of time: When you tell a child to immediately stop doing something he is enjoying, his ego is hurt. Give him notice instead; tell him to finish whatever he’s doing in 15 minutes, and also what he is to do after that.

These techniques and more developed by parents themselves with experience can be sure alternatives to spanking when combined with a healthy home routine as described earlier.

Given these solutions, many parents and teachers may still have doubts as to the practicality and effectiveness of these methods. Also, most Indian parents are yet not prepared to accept that hitting is entirely wrong.

One factor responsible for this is that all parents or teachers are not competent enough or do not have sufficient patience to handle the alternative methods.

Given these limitations, Dr R. P. Bansal, a Chandigarh-based paediatrician, feels it may not be all that wrong if parents administered controlled physical punishment. If a parent is not able to employ modern methods, the child cannot be left undisciplined or uncontrolled.

In such a case, however, certain care has to be taken. 1) Differentiate between abusive and non-abusive spanking. 2) Physical punishment should only be the last choice. 3) Never before 18 months of age, or after 10-12 years. 4) Punishment should be in proportion to the "offence." 5) Deliver the punishment immediately after the offence. 6) If spanking does not work, increasing the intensity will not help. Look for an alternative method. 7) Hug the child afterwards and explain to him the cause of your unhappiness.

The relationship of love and trust has to be maintained at all times, though.

It might seem tough to be a non-violent parent initially, but give it a try and you’ll love its effectiveness. Also, what is parenting if not hard work?