Is your neighbour a friend or foe?

YOU may think that you get along with your neighbour, but are secret feuds brewing that may erupt with terrible consequences? Answer these questions to find out.

a. invited?

b. ignored?

c. enraged?

a. draw up a petition to prevent it?

b. go round and have a quiet, neighbourly chat about the situation, explaining your point of view?

c. tell them that you would reluctantly have to oppose the application, and why?

a. smile warmly, exchange a few words and walk on?

b. nod politely at each other?

c. go for a coffee?

a. put the answerphone on after your neighbour has called twice to complain about the noise?

b. tell them well in advance about the party, and invite them to come along?

c. drop a note in, telling them about the party?

a. you like them, and admire the way your neighbour gets on with them all?

b. you can’t stand them at all?

c. you are indifferent to them so long as they don’t tread on your toes?

a. yes — they are always complaining for some reason or the other?

b. no — they’ve never expressed an opinion, even when there’s noise or mess?

c. yes — they appear to really get on?

a. no?

b. yes?

c. the odd thing, but nothing you mind about too much?

a. go with pleasure?

b. go with a groan?

c. go with a sigh, but enjoy it when you were there?

a. lag behind with payments and/or action?

b. agree with you perfectly?

c. annoy you sometimes, but basically you manage it all fine?

a. friendly?

b. indifferent?

c. irritated?

Calculate your score

1. a10 b5 c0

2. a0 b10 c5

3. a5 b0 c10

4. a0 b10 c5

5. a10 b0 c5

6. a0 b5 c10

7. a10 b0 c5

8. a10 b0 c5

9. a0 b10 c5

10. a10 b5 c0

70-100: You genuinely get along with your neighbour. You may have much in common, but whatever the secret there is a real rapport between both of you. You manage to resolve any difficulties or disagreements with the minimum of hassle. Let’s hope they never move.

40-65: You have an uneasy relationship with your neighbour. There is lot of tension there, and although things may be okay on the surface, there is a little volcano brewing away in both of you. But there is hope. You need to be clear about feelings, and try to understand your neighbour. Let peace be your watchword — and all will be well.

0-35: You have an out-and-out bad relationship with your neighbour. Nothing they can do is satisfactory to you, and it’s likely that they feel just the same. If the relationship hasn’t already provided the neighbourhood with a firework display, it will — and soon. AF

Tackling an alcoholic spouse
Chitleen K Sethi

ASHA works as a maid in more than half a dozen houses in SAS Nagar and proudly says that she earns more than her husband. "In any case what’s the use of his pay? He spends all that he earns in buying liquor and the children are being brought up and educated by me," she says. Asha's husband, a daily-wage earner who works in a cement godown, buys a bottle of country-made liquor every evening and by night he is completely sozzled. "At least he doesn't beat me. All he does is get angry and shout at me and the children. Once he tried to beat up my elder daughter but I stopped him." When you ask whether she has tried to help him get rid of this life- threatening habit, she shrugs and says: "Hum is mein kya kar sakte hain?" The problem of living with and tackling alcoholic spouses is not faced by the lower income group alone. Sheetal, mother of three, has been married to a rich businessman of the city who "starts his first peg at nine in the morning and continues to drink alone till late evening". And what does Sheetal do to handle him? "I have tried nagging him out of it, have asked for help from his and my parents, our friends but nothing seems to make a difference."

How are alcoholic spouses to be handled? When the sole bread-winner is an alcoholic, it can spell doom for the whole family. At this point the role of the other spouse, usually the wife, becomes crucial to keep the family intact and help the "ailing" spouse.

To treat an alcoholic, one must first get the facts right, about the drug, the disease and the "patient". The understanding of alcoholism, and hence its definition, continues to change. Many terms, often with hazy differences in meaning, have been used to describe different stages and manifestations of the disease. What is important to realise is simply this that alcoholism is a disease not a state of being. It is a primary, chronic disease with genetic, psycho-social and environmental factors influencing its development. The disease is often progressive and fatal and is an involuntary disability.

It is wrong to assume that alcohol stimulates the mind. It in fact dulls the mind, giving an impression to the taker all his troubles have gone and he is in a carefree state of mind. Upon consuming alcohol, the elements of restraint and prudence are the first to desert him. The person may go haywire and indulge in undesirable behaviour. If someone in your family is a heavy daily drinker, you should contact your primary care provider or a qualified addiction specialist to discuss medical detoxification. It can be extremely dangerous for someone who has developed physical dependence on alcohol to stop drinking abruptly without medical supervision. Severe alcohol withdrawal can, in fact, be life threatening.

Think like the alcoholic and try to understand the situation he or she is in. First of all, convince the "patient" that he has a disease and that you understand that it is an addiction which he /she has fallen into. As time goes on, most people who drink in excess tend to develop tolerance to the effects of a given quantity of alcohol. For this reason they gradually increase their intake in order to get the same "buzz" from drinking as they were accustomed to getting from smaller amounts of alcohol. The longer the heavy daily drinker drinks, the more he or she will tend to drink each day. And the more accustomed one is to drinking heavily, the harder it becomes to cut down and stop. It’s never particularly easy or pleasant to stop drinking.

Don't be shy of involving other people, supportive ones, in your efforts to help your spouse stop drinking. Friends and family members who themselves have stopped drinking may be particularly helpful. Many people with drinking problems tend to isolate themselves from others and remain secretive about their ‘love affair’ with alcohol. These tendencies have to be treated as part of the problem.

A number of centres in the city offer help to alcoholics and their families. There are drug de-addiction centres in the PGI and the Lajpat Rai Bhavan and there is an international body called Al-anon that holds meetings in local schools.

"Most women who come to us for help for their spouses are ignorant about the fact that alcoholism is a disease and is curable. They must seek guidance as it will help them get a clearer perspective of the problem they are handling," says Suman Gupta, in charge of Drug Awareness and Counselling Centre, Lajpat Rai Bhavan, Sector 15.

Many patients find the idea of drinking in moderation more acceptable and achievable than abstaining entirely from alcohol. So try not to pressurise the patient to stop drinking in a day, for it might be more harmful than useful. The decision whether to reduce drinking to moderate levels or abstain from it entirely is best made after consulting a doctor. It takes knowledge, compassion and patience to help a person who drinks too much. Some actions are helpful, while some are not.

Try to remain calm, unemotional and factually honest about how the person’s drinking hurts you and others.

Discuss the problem with someone you trust - a friend, clergy person, social worker, or someone who has experienced alcohol abuse or alcoholism.

Try to maintain a healthy, normal atmosphere at home and try to include the alcoholic or problem drinker in family life.

Encourage new interests and participate in leisure activities that the problem drinker enjoys and encourage the person to see old friends in non-drinking situations.

Be patient and live one day at a time. Changing behaviour is difficult, as dieters and those attempting to stop smoking know. Setbacks and relapses are to be expected. Try to accept them with calm understanding and don’t become discouraged.

Punish, threaten, bribe, preach, or try to be a martyr. Avoid emotional appeals that may only increase the problem drinker’s feelings of guilt and compulsion to drink.

Cover up or make excuses for an alcoholic or shield a person from the consequences of alcohol abuse.

Take over the responsibilities of an abuser of alcohol.

Hide or dump bottles of alcohol, or shelter a problem drinker from situations where alcohol is present.

Argue with a person who is intoxicated.

Drink with an alcohol abuser or an alcoholic.

Accept guilt for the behaviour of a problem drinker.

Remember that it is very difficult to change behavioural patterns, especially those of alcoholics. Be understanding and patient, but don’t accept any responsibility for the behaviour of another person. You are responsible only for your own behaviour.