Getting in with the in-laws
Victor M. Parachin

Blissfully-married couples clearly understand one important fact about marriage: when you make a commitment to the man or woman of your dreams, you’re also making a commitment to his or her family. Likewise, perceptive couples understand the importance of treating their partner’s family with respect, courtesy and kindness. Rather than seeing their partner’s family as "excess baggage" or competitions for their spouse’s love and loyalty, they know that in offering friendship to their extended in-law family, they strengthen their own marriage and widen their circle of love and support. Here are some ways to "love and cherish" your partner’s family.

"Robert Schuller, author of Tough Minded Faith for Tender Hearted People, writes: "It takes a great deal of faith to build a level of trust and affection with persons who suddenly move into your social circle — to resent or resist them will set off a cycle of negative vibrations that inevitably will be counter-productive to your welfare. By contrast, you can learn something from them. If you embrace an in-law with a positive attitude, you will see and appreciate his value as a special person God has created. In the process, in-laws become beautiful friends, enriching your life. You will be blessed because you are walking the walk of faith."

Mark Twain wrote: "I can live for two months on a good compliment." Work to see the good in various members of your new family. Then praise them publicly and privately on those good qualities. A compliment is verbal sunshine that makes people grow in positive ways. Praising others effectively establishes a miniature "mutual admiration society" in the home. And, families who praise and appreciate each other are closer and more supportive than those who don’t.

"Some people get a feeling of well-being and superiority from criticising. If you are afflicted with that plague, divest yourself of the infection as soon as possible," says Dr. Loy McGinnis in his book The Friendship Factor. Think twice when you are tempted to criticise a member of your partner’s family. Too many critical comments can produce resentment in your spouse towards you and ultimately be detrimental to your marriage.

Of course, issues concerning extended family will arise and may need to be honestly discussed. However, before a discussion ensues, be guided by two general principles when speaking about another person: Is it true? Is it useful information? Applying these principles to conversation about others makes us more sensitive to subtle distinctions between truth, falsehood and exaggeration. Also, the two principles can better clarify when we should speak and when we should remain silent. There are times when our words may be true, but it may not be the right time, place or situation for them to be useful.

If behaviour from a member of your partner’s family clearly conflicts with your values, ethics or beliefs, speak up. Be polite but assertive. Finally, remind yourself that when you marry, you are in fact extending your "family." And whether that extended family numbers two or 22, love and cherish each member of that family. Training your eye to see and appreciate the diversity of strengths, personalities, and experiences of each member will add to your own life and marriage. The better your relationship with your partner’s family, the healthier your future marriage and family life will be. AF

REFLECTIONS
Do we have the courage to live our lives?

Not many people have heard of Bill Havens. But Bill became an unlikely hero of sorts, at least among those who knew him best.

Here is his story.

At the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, the sport of canoe racing was added to the list of international competitions. The favourite team in the four-man canoe race was the United States team. One member of that team was a young man by the name of Bill Havens. As the time for the Olympics neared, it became clear that Bill’s wife would give birth to their first child about the time that the US team would be competing in the Paris games. In 1924 there were no jet airliners from Paris to the USA, only slow ocean- going ships. And so Bill found himself in a dilemma. Should he go to Paris and risk not being at his wife’s side when their baby was born? Or should he withdraw from the team and remain with his family? Bill’s wife insisted that he go to Paris. After all, competing in the Olympics was the culmination of a life-long dream. But Bill felt conflicted and, after much soul searching, decided to withdraw from the competition and remain home, where he could support his wife when the child arrived. He considered being at her side his highest priority, even higher than going to Paris to fulfil his dream.

As it turned out, the US four-man canoe team won the gold medal in Paris. And Bill’s wife was late in giving birth to their child. She was so late, in fact, that Bill could have competed in the event and returned home in time to be with her when she gave birth. People said, "What a shame." But Bill said he had no regrets.

For the rest of his life, he believed he had made the better decision. Bill Havens knew what was most important to him. Not everybody figures that out. And he acted on what he believed was best. Not everybody has the strength of character to say no to something he or she truly wants in order to say yes to something that truly matters. But for Bill, it was the only way to peace; the only way to no regrets.

There is an interesting sequel to the story of Bill Havens...

The child eventually born to Bill and his wife was a boy, whom they named Frank. Twentyeight years later, in 1952, Bill received a cablegram from Frank. It was sent from Helsinki, Finland, where the 1952 Olympics were being held. The cablegram read: "Dad, I won. I’m bringing home the gold medal you lost while waiting for me to be born." Frank Havens had just won the gold medal for the USA in the canoe-racing event, a medal his father had dreamed of winning but never did. Like I said, no regrets.

Thomas Kinkade eloquently said, "When we learn to say a deep, passionate yes to the things that really matter, then peace begins to settle onto our lives like golden sunlight sifting to a forest floor."

— Steve Goodier

TELL ME WHY!

• She isn’t as experienced as I am. For her benefit and for the good of the family, I don’t agree with her at times. If I won’t tell her what is right then who will? After all she has to take my place one day. Darshana Khurana, 52 years, housewife

• Daughters-in-law today hardly seek the approval of their mothers-in-law. They do what they feel is best for them. Promila Anand, 55-year-old teacher

• Even if the mother-in-law gives her approval, the daughter-in-law always takes it with a pinch of salt. It seems she is always ready the think the worst of her in-laws. What is required here is understanding and a relationship based on trust. Manjeet Kaur, 65-year-old social worker.