Can you cope with your kids?
Mary Boote

Have you got what it takes to face the trials and tribulations of being a parent? How well can you handle toddler tears and those trying teenage years? Answer these questions to find out.

a. try to establish a reassuring routine?

b. give up and let the baby cry for hours?

c. keep the baby up until it falls asleep from exhaustion?

a. Spend hours forcing it to eat as much as possible?

b. try to accept it as a phase without getting too worried?

c. seek professional help?

a. drag it out of the shop in shame?

b. Shout at the child in front of everyone?

c. carry on quietly shopping until the fuss subsides?

a. have a quiet word with the class teacher?

b. storm into the school demanding to see the head teacher?

c. talk to the child at home to build his confidence?

a. quietly but firmly make him/her apologise?

b. ignore the incident because you are embarrassed?

c. make a scene which makes everyone feel worse?

a. try to see it from his point of view although you think he looks dreadful?

b. throw the offending items away?

c. bribe him to wear suitable clothes on important occasions?

a. ban him from the house?

b. say nothing in the hope that it will soon be over?

c. treat him as one of the family and then regret it?

a. have constant rows?

b. lock the front door?

c. try to negotiate more reasonable behaviour?

a. try to give him as much support as possible?

b. bribe him with large sums of money?

c. allow it to become a major source of conflict?

a. refuse to let her go?

b. have long discussions about the pros and cons?

c. let her go, but arrange for the group to be supervised?

1. a 10 b0 c5

2. a0 b10 c5

3. a5 b0 c10

4. a10 b0 c5

5. a10 b5 c0

6. a10 b5 c0

7. a0 b10 c5

8. a5 b0 c10

9. a10 b5 c0

10. a0 b10 c5

66-100: You and your partner seem to have a well-balanced attitude towards your children, and the demands that they make on you. You can see when it is necessary to compromise and when you need to stand firm. You may have spent a lot of time reading about child psychology, but it is more likely you just have the knack of handling difficult situations.

35-65: Like many parents, you probably find that you often feel confused about how to tackle problems that your children throw at you. The most important principle is that you should agree with your partner and present a united front. Also you should try to be as consistent as possible, whilst keeping an open mind.

0-34: Your attitude towards your children and their welfare seems to swing from an absolutely rigid and unbending one to one that is wildly permissive. Your children are probably very confused, and therefore feel they have to challenge you on every issue. Perhaps you should try talking to other parents or even professionals to arrive at a more consistent and realistic approach. — AF

In the garb of frankness, they offend

"Oh, you are looking really atrocious, what have you done to yourself?" "How come she is not as fair as her sister?" "A terrible nose this little one has, not at all like his father’s." "From where on earth did you get such a lousy dress?" " Why hasn't your daughter got married?" So on and so forth... How often have we resisted the impulse to snub a person for being so rude? Many times you cannot help wondering what it is that prompts people to breach all limits of polite, decent behaviour and ask with unrestrained curiosity, personal and awkward questions. How often we remember the remark that was so off-putting and offensive that it was difficult not to react or at least harbour a grudge. Once a friend almost punched the nose of one nosey parker neighbour who insisted on asking questions about her father’s business losses. At another time, an aunt was taken aback when an acquaintance (a wannabe friend) who she met after15 years, informed her that not only had she lost all her looks but was looking unwell. She tried to grin and bear it, but the person was shunned. One wonders if it is the kinship culture that we Indians subscribe to that is responsible for us becoming so familiar with rank strangers. Even in an urban setting, we adhere to the establishing of a relationship, minus the genuine warmth and affection that our village or small town gave us.

In the name of being frank and straightforward, some people end up inflicting hurt and humiliation on many they interact with.

Perhaps it is the times that we are living in that have made us so insensitive and apathetic to others’ feelings. We might have shed the mantle of keeping up appearances and the need to conform to an outmoded code of conduct. So blase are we with the new-found code of ethics that good manners and sensitivity to others’ go out of the window.

"I don’t care", "I don’t give a damn", "I am not bothered" or better still meri marzi seem to be the defining words of the present set-up. Does this also mean that wilfully or out of sheer thoughtlessness, it is perfectly fine to maul or mutilate or ask questions (often personal) that the other person would rather not answer ? The increasing insularity and the alienation of an urban set-up has led to more loneliness, no doubt. What is intriguing is that our attitudes have not become truly impersonal, detached or functional. When it comes to evincing a genuine interest in someone’s life or helping out in a constructive manner, we take refuge in the fact that modern life leaves us with little time to be interested in anyone else’s life. But when it comes to eliciting juicy details out of the goings-on in the lives of our neighbours, friends or relatives, we are all ears, eyes and tongues wagging. We debunk our own argument about being busy and take out all the time in the world to indulge in aimless talk and target others.

It is our sensibility that spurs us on to ask even the most personal questions in a fashion that is so cavalier.

We have no compunctions about asking if the other person who we may not know from Adam, is married, engaged, has children, does not get along with the wife\ husband\ mother-in-law\ brother\ boss\ colleague, how much he earns or does not. The person might be four times removed, never mind. Questions pertaining to one’s life, love work and leisure are fielded and asked with aplomb and with utter disregard to the person’s inclination to answer or not.

Some tips to keep in mind when conversing with others:

• Always remember the nature of your relationship before asking intimate questions. While a friend may not mind, an acquaintance might find it irritating to answer a question that encroaches upon her\ his privacy. If you meet someone socially, it is best to keep the conversation neutral and not make it loaded. A heated debate on the pros and cons of a particular situation at a social do can be embarrassing for the host.
  
  

• Mind your own business. Evincing unnecessary interest in somebody’s life and asking probing questions is hardly good manners. Unless someone confides in you, do not try and elicit details or information. Especially if you are aware of the person’s vulnerability, it is prudent not to try and play Sherlock Holmes. Someone going through the ordeal of a divorce, may not appreciate being made to relive painful memories. The same is true of financial losses or emotional crisis. If you genuinely want to reach out, listen more than speak.
  
  

• Avoid sarcasm or veiled remarks and innuendoes to make a point or be heard. Say something in a direct way without an overlay of an emotion or negativity. Even when you take umbrage, voice your feelings politely.
  
  

• When the choice is between hurting the person or telling what you think is true, opt not to hurt. Be careful with your choice of words and expressions. Do not use language loosely and without caring for its effect. Words that are released are like arrows that cannot be taken back, so shoot them cautiously.
  
  

•  Do not ever be a party to spreading or adding to salacious gossip or add to canards being spread about any person whom you may not know even remotely. How would you have felt if it had been you and not the other person to be targeted?

• If you find any comment offensive, say it in so many words. Do not chafe or flinch but be firm and polite, refusing to discuss something you'd rather not.
  
  

• If the rude person is persistent, you can always ignore him/her pointedly.
  
  

• If someone is being unnecessarily offensive in a social do, get up and leave or change the topic.
  
  

• Remarks like ‘I'd rather not discuss this’, ‘no comments’, ‘let's talk of something else’, ‘please leave this out’ can often put off even the most die-hard nosey parker. — A.N.