Make friends with yourself
Preeti Singh

DO you feel unwanted and unloved? If so, the chances are high that you are being your worst enemy. Your behaviour displays the deep-rooted fear of happiness, of love and of life itself.

So, if you don’t stop clinging to your own misery, you’d be harming yourself. In fact, your fretting and fuming, wanting to change this and that, is sure to make you more miserable when all the time it’s you who ought to change.

In most cases, our feelings of inferiority and negative attitudes hit us the most. And it is by looking the reality in the face that we can make friends with ourselves.

By the way, can you change your past ? Certainly not. But you can always make a determined bid to mould your future. To do that, the first step is self-acceptance i.e. to accept yourself as you are. When you do that, the foundation is laid for understanding yourself. And unless you know yourself, how can you help yourself. It is as simple as that.

Next, put these two questions to yourself: “Where did my feelings of inferiority come from? Why do I feel this way about myself?”

Your answers to these questions, most likely, would be: “Because I’m no good at anything.” Yet, if you ask yourself: “Who made this judgement?”, you’ll be surprised to discover that you alone have evaluated yourself thus... and none else. In truth, you’ve interpreted your experience of life from an inborn sense of inferiority. How do the feelings of inferiority originate ? Psychologists trace their genesis to parents, particularly the mother. Whenever your mother held your baby brother or sister (instead of you) on her knee or in her lap, you felt bad. You thought, “I’m no good.”

Why? Because in your mind you feel that a mother has to be good. There are no bad mothers. So, when as a child, your mother did not take you in her lap (acts of showing love), you felt bad. You began to think...”I must be a bad boy” or “I’m no good.” And this feeling stays in your mind...mostly at the unconscious level...for life unless you wriggle out of it by understanding it.

Can we wriggle out of this feeling? Certainly, if we are determined to change ourselves and are ready to bring about a drastic readjustment in our way of living. To put an end to our feelings of inferiority, let’s allow life to be right and good. At the same time we should expect good. It makes no sense to think — “Nothing is ever right for me.”

By letting such an attitude go, we can rid ourselves of feelings of inferiority and our negative view of life. We must assert rather than deny ourselves the things we desperately want to do or have. And now is the time to do this. Think and talk as you feel rather than bottle things up. Simultaneously, don’t let anyone take advantage of you. Whosoever be that person, state your position by speaking plainly rather than retreating into your shell of submission. Action is a must to shake off inertia and to gain control over yourself. Follow what Shakespeare said long back: “Determine on some long course.

Do you think negatively? There is nothing worse than moaning — “Everything goes wrong for me.” It doesn’t really, but you make it so by habitually thinking that way. Just as life can be a series of failures by negative thinking so can life be ever successful by positive thinking or acting creatively.

So breathe in optimism. Absorb it until it becomes your second nature. Healing powers are said to get released in a person who is imbued with the spirit of optimism.

And as you get up in the morning, greet the day with enthusiasm. And when you go to your workplace, maintain your self-respect. Respect your boss but don’t be servile.

Lastly, don’t procrastinate. Constructive action must be taken. In short, think high, walk tall and be kind to others. Above all, make friends with yourself — and begin to live optimistically. This will put the feelings of inferiority to flight — and for good.

Nice ways to say no
Victor M. Parachin

FOR most of us, saying no is very difficult. Most of the times we don’t want to offend or disappoint people. With great frequency, family, friends, bosses, colleagues, civic and religious groups, call on us for our time or money or both. While most of those requests are legitimate and important, agreeing to them when we are not ready or ambivalent can result in considerable emotional hardship. Saying yes becomes wrong when you want to say no and it is in your best interest to say no. But instead, you end up with a feeble "Ok, I’ll do it," says therapist Herbert Fensterheim, author of Don’t Say Yes When You Want To Say No. Fensterheim says the inability to say no produces these harsh, negative consequences.

• It leads you into activities you don’t respect yourself for doing. It distracts you from what you really want to accomplish. Because you allow other people to exploit you continually, the resentment builds up.

• It produces a lack of communication between you and others. The truth is that sometimes we just have to say no in order to prevent too great a toll on our own time and tranquillity. It’s worth remembering that saying no is an option we all have. Furthermore, it is possible to decline a request in ways that do not seem harsh, rude or unkind.

• Pay a compliment as you say no. If someone invite o not wish to attend, you can say: "There’s no one I’d rather have lunch with but I’m swamped at work and just can’t get away." Or, if invited to a party, try saying: "I always have such a delightful time at your home with your family and friends so I’m really sorry that I can’t make it this time."

• Decline in a positive way. Phrasing a negative response in a positive way allows you to maintain relationships, foster friendships and avoid hurt feelings. Positive ways to decline include sentences such as these: "That’s an excellent offer, but we’re not in a position to take advantage of it just now", "That’s a good idea" or "That’s a good product but it’s not something we can use at this time."

• Offer a compromise. You may not be able to accommodate the entire request but consider responding positively to part of the proposal.

• Buy some time. Seldom do you have to give a yes or no answer on the spot. Even if you feel strongly that your answer will be no, buy yourself time by responding in these ways: "Let me think about it", "Let me talk it over with my spouse, family etc.", "Let me look over my current commitments", "I’m right in the middle of something just now, but let me give this some thought over the next day or two." These manoeuvres will reap you three solid benefits: First, they buy you time to come up with an acceptable excuse. Secondly, they give you emotional space to honestly consider the request. Thirdly, you flatter the person asking you to do something by showing that you are taking the request seriously.

• Keep your response short and to the point. When you have made up your mind, begin your statement with no. For instance, "No, I can’t serve on that committee," Be short and to the point. Don’t go into a lengthy explanation of why you can’t or won’t agree because there are people who will eagerly try to counter your reasons.

• Just say no. There are times when the best way to decline is to just say no. Remember, you have the right to just say no when a request is made of you. A simple, straightforward no is favoured by many people in senior management. "A clear no prevents misunderstandings and keeps people from going off in wrong directions and wasting time," says a busy chief executive. (AF)
  
  
  
  

TELL ME WHY!

Why do my parents have such high expectations from me? — A disturbed child

• In the present competitive world, it is but natural for parents to have high expectations. They want that their children should not only be good at studies but also all-rounders. Asha Kapoor, housewife

• Parents voice their expectations only to encourage the child to perform well. To cope with the present competitive times, the child should be extraordinarily bright— only then can he survive. Manjit Singh, bank officer

• Parents want to see their children fulfil their unrealised goals and ambitions. I want my child to perform well so that he can outshine his classmates. Ashima Chopra, teacher

• Parents always wish their children well and want the best for them. We want that our child should work hard so that he can survive in today's fast-moving world. The present times are for extraordinary students and not for the average ones. Harish Sharma, lecturer

• Why does my daughter waste so much time talking to her friends on the phone?
  — An angry father

• I feel it is not a waste of time because we have to catch up with a lot of things, which is not possible in school Rakhi, Class XI.

• Perhaps we girls never give it a thought that it costs money. I guess we do not value money because as yet we are not earning it. Kanika Bhasin, Class XII.

• Perhaps you are just being a good father and not a good friend. Try looking at things from her point of view and then she will definitely discuss her problems with you. Anupama Gupta, B.A. Part I.

• Girls just wanna have fun, so what is wrong if she is having a good time talking to her friends. Shalini, Class X.

• Don't call it a waste of time. She may actually be discussing something important like her love life with her friends. Zubina Kataria, Class XII.

• Phone, perhaps, is her best friend. Don't you spend time talking to your friends over a chilled glass of beer every evening! Isn't that a waste of time? Anushka Arora, Class X.

(Responses are sought from mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law on these questions, respectively. Mention your name, age and address.)