Ways in which women bond and belong
Due to our fast-paced and mechanical pattern of life, relationships are very often a casualty. Rajshree Sarda talks to a few women to find out what bonds mean to them.

EVER since we were in Kindergarten, we realized that we need friends, the need to connect to people. And this desire for connection keeps us going even when we become grandmothers. ‘’Then we nostalgically remember about how we have stuck together all our lives, giving advice, taking counsel, running to the phone to share each experience.

WOMANSPEAK

Ways in which women bond and belong

Due to our fast-paced and mechanical pattern of life, relationships are very often a casualty. Rajshree Sarda talks to a few women to find out what bonds mean to them.

EVER since we were in Kindergarten, we realized that we need friends, the need to connect to people. And this desire for connection keeps us going even when we become grandmothers. ‘’Then we nostalgically remember about how we have stuck together all our lives, giving advice, taking counsel, running to the phone to share each experience. Studies are demonstrating the power of social connections. Positive relationships are crucial for physical and mental well being; by contrast the absence of such connections is proving to be detrimental. Research shows that women’s immune system suffers from a lack of connection, while men’s cardiovascular organs are affected. In fact, loneliness can be downright lethal.

Sociologists conducting studies at the university of Michigan in Ann Arbor have estimated that the lack of social relationships constitute a major health hazard that rivals the effects of risks such as smoking, high blood pressure and lack of exercise. It’s also the quality of our connections with others that deeply impacts our physiology.

As Jaslene Dhaliwal, lecturer G.G.S College for Women, Chandigarh, says ‘’Living in an urban environment and being a part of single family system, I definitely feel the need to fortify my life by establishing certain social bonds. But yes, the so-called ‘social connections’, which are largely based on a class-conscious attitude or socio-economic gains are not important for me at all. I’m basically an intense person and in the social sphere I prefer ‘emotional-connections’ that can generate reciprocity and understanding. Friendship, which is a positive aspect of social relationships, is a boon in modern times as it relieves loneliness and gives expression to a gamut of emotions, like tension, depression, frustration, etc. My friends provide me with a sense of security and stability. They are in fact my sole anchor to sanity and I depend upon them for support.’’

Even Dr Veerpal, a gynaecologist of repute, emphasised the importance of bonds. She said ‘’If your friend is not judgmental, doesn’t compete with you, never ever tries to change you, manages to find common ground even when she is angry, can apologize for mistakes without any ego hassles and is supportive, then you have got a really good friendship going and all other things being equal-advice that emanates from such a solid relationship will do you nothing but good’’.

While scientists are working out the intricacies of how relationships affect the body, most of the evidence gathered to date chronicles the damaging effects of negative social interactions. In studies at the Ohio State University in Columbus, researchers found that particularly women can have deleterious effects on immune function, hormonal balances and cardiovascular health. All in all, women are more responsive to negative marital interactions than men, because they carry most of the burden of unhappiness when close relationships aren’t going well.

Dimpy Dhillon when contacted corroborated and said ‘’Our life is a web of relations, each one depends on the other relation, with a friend for confiding in each other, to share views and opinions and to share moments of joy and sorrow. Relation with the family for love, moral support.guidance.Whether good or bad, we cannot isolate ourselves from them. Relations are the bonds which strengthen as we realize their importance.We cannot survive alone in this world.Relations come as a part and package of life.They are essential accessories of our lives which make our life worthy to live’’.

Urbanisation has led to a lack of faith in relationships. Add to this the aggressive quality of life nowadays and you have what we call ‘urban loneliness'. Talking to your neighbours, means an association is being established which is going to make demands on your time and energy. You are so tuckered at the end of the day that you can’t give it back. Yet, when you are alone on a Sunday or when you are ill, you realize the extent to which you have lost touch with the community. Many of us who are on a career high are also the loneliest people in town because we have lost the sense of social oneness. But the high lasts so long that coming down to earth can be a very painful business. Anita, a high ranking well-paid executive came to me with mild depression. I call it mild because she knew she was walking faster than she could manage and would trip soon. With help from outside she figured out why she felt alienated and depressed. What was missing from her life was the strength she derived from family togetherness, from the care and the concern, the celebrations, the rituals, all that makes up the rich fabric of Indian family life. That taken away from her, all these achievements seemed meaningless. She says now “its alright to be alone most of the week if you’re going to spend even one day in the week with someone you can really talk to.”

Another woman of 28 years of age, residing in Delhi and holding a high profile job in an MNC, travelling extensively , is doing exactly what she had planned to do when she was in business school. Even she felt blighted by feelings of loneliness and alienation. In a telephonic conversation she said that her social evenings were getting increasingly superficial, filled with people who were forever looking over each other’s shoulders to the next relationship. She felt that in the last six months she had failed to connect with anyone to whom her presence and absence made any real difference. Why did she feel that way? Yes, in the pursuit of her goals she totally neglected her social life .She felt the success in her job would also lead to good social relationships. She took it for granted till she realized that she had to take this aspect of her life as seriously as her job. She was perceptive enough to realize the danger of her behavior and was able to bring it under control, though it took her a good six-month struggle. She took some bold steps so that she didn’t drift into this morass again. Recognizing that loneliness was her main problem, she decided that building up a network of friends was the most important step. But since commuting long distances and a hectic schedule was proving to be a hurdle, she resorted to telephones, e-mails, etc. She is fine and better adjusted now. I have been talking to a series of women from different walks of life and almost all of them have emphasized on the importance of bonds, belongingness, friendships and positive relationships.

Neelu Sodhi ,owner of a gift store , had something interesting to say.’’Connections and bonds are a vital part of life and society and both have their uses.Connections are important if you want to climb high socially or professionally though they cannot be any long-term gains from these.These are quick-fix measures and evaporate like ether and leaves one disillusioned and empty.Whereas bonds are real, permanent and no matter how many axes one grinds there are no chips.I would never seek a relationship with a ulterior motive .If you happen to have a bond with someone in power then so be it and one can certainly take help but to maneuver friendship with the high and mighty is surely gross. Yes, I do believe that longing for stable relationships is a fundamental human need and we should cling on to it’’.

Even in every day disagreements we need constant acknowledgement of the relationship’s enduring strength and when we get ,our bodies virtually tap dance. One of the first studies linking relationships and longevity took place in Almeda County,California, three to four years ago.Researchers there found that over a nine-year period the people with the strongest social and community ties were the least likely to die.Not surprisingly,the most isolated people had the highest death rate.

The problems with not so friendly people are that they are looking for emotional intimacy but are scared to make the commitments needed to achieve such relationships. They also discover that having goodies of life is not the same as feeling good about oneself. So what is the bottom line?No matter how busy your life,don't put social contact on the bottom of your to do list.Instead make it a priority.Positive relationships are not a luxury. They are a necessity.

WOMANSPEAK

Freedom means choosing your burden—Hephzibah Menuhin

No one has complete freedom. Complete freedom is a myth that is terrifying to most and a dream-filled illusion for others.While we are wrestling with our terror of complete freedom or fighting the constrictions in our lives, we forget the freedoms we already have.We have the freedom to choose our burdens.

Women who have no children have chosen the burden of full-time work without the freedom that relating to children brings. Women who have chosen to have children have chosen the burden of rearing children(and often full-time work out of the home also) Whatever our choices, we have made them, They are ours. We have the freedom to live with them.

I have chosen my burdens. Sometimes I don't see the freedom in that.