The Tribune, Chandigarh, India

Put that spark back

TPS Sodhi, a chief officer in the merchant navy, has been married to Harjote for the past 18 years, but for him the relationship is as exciting as it was years ago. "Even if we meet once a year, we can always catch up from where we left off. Harjote trusts me totally — with my job, my habits, everything. In return, I keep the fun in marriage alive." "That’s a fact," quips Harjote, a jewellery designer herself, "I must admit that he brings in the element of fun which is so crucial to a marriage. I am happy with him because he lets me be. He doesn’t brood when I tell him that I want to shop alone."

Cathy Lee, a Canadian married to a Chinese, Tung Sin Lee, also feels that it is important to keep the spirit of fun alive in a marriage. "I think the spirit of fun is very crucial to a fulfilling relationship. In marriage, little things count more. And you must enjoy doing certain things together like cooking, watching a movie or going for an evening walk. Partners must learn that marriage is more about fun than about effort."

Agrees Tung, "That is right. I didn’t get married to mow lawns or fix taps alone. I got married because my wife was fun to be with. She is even more fun to be with now, perhaps because we know each other’s likes and dislikes. I don’t disturb her when she picks up a book. And there are times when she just sits by my side while I am at work, I appreciate that too. We respect and accept each other as we are."

Another happy partnership of a couple who are of different nationalities is that of Dharam Pal and Rosy. This beautician couple boasts of a prestigious clientele that includes the Punjab Governor, Haryana and Punjab ministers, and many top businessmen of the city. Dharam Pal met Rosy about 25 years ago when he was working at Curly Tops, and she was working for Shelly Beauty Parlour.

They got together and their relationship changed the very meaning of their lives. Says Dharam, "Rosy is a Chinese, but she has adopted my family very lovingly. The success of our relationship lies in the fact that we respect each other’s skills and use them for attaining a common goal. We indulge in a lot of light-hearted talk and fun, and we are quite expressive too." Adds Rosy, "Fun has to be sustained at all costs. Often the laughter starts fading out, not by decision but by default. But effort has to be made to bring it back."

Sandeep Mann of the Ekadhiken Niketan stresses that accepting each other is important to co-exist happily. "I should be able to respect my partner’s achievements, and I should also be able to bear with her infirmities. Problems do crop up every now and then but then one must not forget to forgive. When you forgive, you open the channels for trust. You cleanse your heart. You also remove the major obstacle which keeps others from changing."

While understanding and respect are important, you should also give each other ample breathing space. Laughs Seema, "The best part of a marriage is this great feeling of togetherness which binds you all the time. We love being together, watching night shows, etc . But then we never breathe down each other’s necks. Sandeep is free to visit his friends. He can stay back at the academy. I understand his obligations."

For Vikram and Roseleen Sharma, three years of marriage have been the ultimate bliss. Says Vikram, who is into garment business, "The quantity of time spent together is not as important as its quality. We share our problems, but we also keep the element of charm alive. So if we have to choose between fixing a doorbell or watching a movie together, our choice would invariably be the latter. Also, in a relationship nagging is unwelcome. And she understands that." Roseleen nods in agreement, "We do our own thing. I work for the Canadian Immigration office and he is into a lot of touring. But when we are at home, we make the best use of our time. He is any day my best pal. We can share personal confidences and exchange meaningful ideas. When together, we can talk for hours, laugh for hours. And when not, we can trust each other with our lives."

Dr Sushil Kumar Gupta and Dr Vimla Gupta’s marriage has survived 18 years.

Says Dr Gupta, a surgeon practising at the Sector 16 General Hospital, "We introspect a lot because we don’t want the relationship to wither. The structural framework of marriage can only be secured through trust and understanding. Here respect for each other’s moods and engagements goes without saying. I never bother my wife if she has an odd-hour duty, and she too never nags me." Dr Vimla, a gynaecologist, agrees, "We try complimenting each other as much as we can. Off and on we go over the bundle of sweet memories of times that have passed by, and try to identify any deepening wedge. Then we try to mend it."

Ingredients of a happy marriage

Indulge in light-hearted fun and sensible discussion, in the right proportions.
Express love frequently. More vocal, the better.
Respect each other. Try to appreciate the finer qualities instead of just harping on the I-can’t-stand-those traits.
Don’t feel guilty about being happy. Your marriage is not just a cheerless routine of budget-balancing.
Be friends with each other, for they sure are a scarce commodity in today’s world.
Help each other tide over crises, it will save you the counsellor’s fee.
Surprise each other. Reserve time for each other. Make the other believe you are thinking about him even when you are ....
Be playful, but let not this playfulness go overboard lest it rock your boat.
Laugh together. Studies suggest: "Couples that laugh at the same jokes are more likely to remain together." A common sense of humour reflects shared values and mental compatibility.
In an argument that’s going out of hand, be the first one to give in — for the loser is the winner in this alliance.

TELL ME WHY?

Why does my husband have no time for me when he gets back home ? — An indignant wife.

Husbands’ respond:

I have to listen to this complaint daily and I believe everybody has to. To tell you frankly, I come home prepared to face the situation. The first thing I do is smile at my wife, the second is give her as patient a hearing as I can and the third is to wait for her mood to get back to normal. This is the sequence of events everyday. There is complaining, there is a little fight, but at the end of it, there is only love.

Jasdeep Toor, city-basedadvocate, married for aboout 10 years.

This complaint is not justified at all. Men have a number of social responsibilities and they have to devote time towards all of them. We have to strike a balance. Such complaints do not last long. They vanish like a bubble, because the understanding between husband and wife is too strong to allow such complaints to last.

Rajiv Sharma, Manager, UTIBank

I know that I am wrong when I am coming home late and when I am not spending enough time with her, but I just can't help the situation even if I want to. The same story is repeated everyday. I come home late prepared for a fight. I give time to my wife and let her complain. When she is over with it, I make sure that I set her mood right by giving her the due attention. The best part of the whole story is that the showdown is never a major one. To put it in a better manner: The situation is tense but under control.

Kanwal Raj Singh, city-based businessman, now married for35 years

Why does my wife always keep complaining?

— A vexed husband

Wives’ respond

An oft-repeated refrain but the husband rarely pauses to think "why". A wife’s woes (minor or major) are dismissed as a feminine trait, peculiar to women. If only husbands were to listen carefully and respond. The higher the pitch of complaints, greater the indifference. Mutual respect is the key and the cycle has to be broken. The battle is won if the wife chooses the right moment and the man pays attention and meets her half way through.

Mallika Sharma, married to a businessman for over 18 years.

Complaining provides you the immediate attention of your husband. Complaints generally arise when you’re dissatisfied with those around you. You could even be dissatisfied with yourself. Women have seen their mothers, aunts, etc, crib and complain to get away from anything that bothered them.

Mona Bharat, married to a merchant navy officer for seven years.