The Tribune, Chandigarh, India

Are we wooing our children?

Why are more and more parents being driven up the wall? From deciding which channel to watch, what clothes to wear, and what to buy, it’s the children who are calling the shots. From being seen and not heard, Aruti Nayar says, children have moved centre-stage, and it is the parents, teachers and advertisers who are trying to woo them.

"PLEASE! Just one bite more…", implores Neena, a harried mother, following her three-year-old around, plate in hand while he ducks, rushing on ahead or just purses his lips, stiff. The more she coaxes and cajoles, the more intractable the little one becomes. Meal times have become a literal tug-of-war in the household. Evenings are dreaded and so are the holidays and Sundays.

Five-year-old Payal, seemingly a docile child, decides which channel her parents should watch, despite strong protests from them. In fact, whenever they try and defy her in any way, there are tantrums galore. "I wonder who’s in control," says the sweating father.

While the dictum "Spare the rod…." might have been discarded in favour of psychologically more appropriate methods of child rearing, it’s tough on the parents now. If earlier, children were at the receiving end of the intemperate, arbitrary authority, it’s helplessness on the part of the parents now.

As one father put it very aptly, "Hum to inke ghulaam ban ke reh gaye hain!" "That’s exactly what I feel," chips in Samidha as she describes the tantrums of her four-year-old son, Mayank. Whether it is clamouring for a new toy or creating a scene in front of guests, he has a knack for emotionally blackmailing her. Trying to quell his shrieks and wails, she almost finds herself at her wits’ end. What are the reasons for this "reversal" of traditional roles?

A multitude of factors contributes to making children more difficult and parents more pliable. Smaller, nuclear families are, of course, the primary factor. The joint families helped share the stress of child-rearing simply because there were more people willing to pitch in. Just one or two children ensure that there is more focus on the children and that you give in more easily. Are working mothers responsible for making the children more exacting in terms of behaviour?

Dr Jyotsna Sachdev, a pediatrician in the city, is of the view that it’s not necessary that a working mother is more stressed-out and so is less equipped to cope with a child and her tantrums. "It all boils down to whether you’re a happy or an unhappy mother? If you are an unhappy housewife, you’d feel incapable of coping. And if you enjoy your work and are comfortable working, you could transmit the same ease to your child." But a working woman does have the tendency to placate the child with a material reward to compensate for her absence. "This is something she must avoid at all costs. The reward could be in terms of time spent or shared activity, but not a chocolate or a toy."

She also maintains that all mothers, regardless of whether they stay at home or work, need a break from their children so that they can de-stress. Even when one has had a long day at work or a harrowing time, one tends to be more irritable and impatient and snap much more. As an administrative officer says, "If I have had a difficult day, before going home, I make it a point to take a walk along the lake." If children have become more difficult, it’s because the adults dealing with them have lives that are more complex. There are financial, emotional and marital problems, besides one is a little unsure, even ambivalent about laying down rules. "We’re the sandwiched generation! First, we tolerated the authoritarianism of our parents and now the diktat of the children. I wonder when we’ll get a chance to call the shots!" says an indulgent father. Perhaps in the race to befriend our children, we have lost the authority to be parents or enforce discipline. And the courtship, it appears, doesn’t end with marriage, now it begins thereafter. The only difference being that it’s not so much between a man and a woman but more so, between the parents and the children.

Tips on coping with children

*Formulate a set of rules and abide by them.

*Deal with a child in a consistent manner and adopt a unified approach. Don’t contradict each other.

*Never reward the child with a material gift to allay your own sense of guilt about being away.

*Consciously unwind and de-stress after a harrowing day at work before inflicting yourself and your mood on the child.

*Peer group pressure can be of paramount importance. Since there is a lot of money going around, your child is bound to ask for more things that he sees others play with or emulate the fancy birthday parties he often attends. Building a bond based upon shared activities is perhaps the only way you can diffuse this.

*Where there is love and laughter, children are rarely ever difficult or temperamental.

TELL ME WHY
Why don’t my parents trust me? — A troubled child.

Parents’ response:

This is a very routine complaint. I will be honest enough to confess that I really can't trust my children. The idea behind not allowing the child to have his way at times is mostly to prevent him from getting into any kind of trouble. When you are too much in love, you always tend to be apprehensive.

Anupma Kohar, Branch manager, Haryana State Cooperative Bank, and mother of two.

I feel responsible to build a balance in my children’s lives. Once that is achieved and they grow up into mature adults, I will surely trust them. Till then, of course, I will remain the captain of their ship.

Sqn Ldr Sanjeev Arora, father of two

All parents are very insecure about their children, and you can relate with this feeling only after you parent a child. And then you want him to do what you feel is right for him. You take this as your right.

Renuka Tikoo, teacher, St John's Secondary School, and mother of two sons

There should be no question of not trusting the children. Trust is the most essential ingredient of any relationship. There can be no element of understanding if there is no trust. I have made it a point that I provide enough space to my children. There is no supervision in the first place. And, if at all there is, it is very indirect, more like guidance.

Pammi Sidhu, Lecturer in English with GCG42

Why doesn’t my child listen to me? — A perturbed parent

Children’s response:

They always keep complaining no matter how hard you try to keep them happy. You can't just go on being domineering all the time. Parents have to learn to give space to children. This breathing space is a must if they want us to prosper.

Sidharth Jalali, student of Mechanical Engineering (III year)

Parents feel that whatever the child is saying on account of his own reasoning is meant to be wrong. But it is not like that. I have my own mind. And I think as I am growing, my power of judgement is also improving. I wish my parents could relate to what I want.

Richa Aggarwal, Class X student of Government Senior Secondary School, Sector 19

Whenever I take any decision, I have to, invariably, face their wrath. Now the situation is such that I have become indifferent which is obviously not a good sign.

Uday, Class XI student, DAVCollege

—Responses collected by Aditi Tandon

RELATIONSHIP MONITOR

Easing divorce strain

A new study by researchers at Ohio University suggests that divorcing parents who receive printed educational materials before the divorce is final may have a stronger relationship with their children than parents who never receive the information.

Researchers found that parents who received the information were less likely to encourage their children to choose one parent over another or speak negatively about each other in front of their children, which eases the emotional strain of divorce on children, said Don Gordon, professor of psychology at Ohio University and co-author of the study.

Three keys to positive parent-child ties

There are three general aspects to the parent-child relationship which seem to summarise some of the most important interactions that parents need to have with their children. They are one, connection; two, regulation; and three, psychological autonomy, as per a study conducted at Utah by Brian Barber, associate professor of sociology at BYU.

According to Barber, connection has to do with the positive emotional experiences parents and children share. "Parents need to spend time with a child, console a child, listen, talk, express love, those kinds of things. And it needs to be stable and consistent," he says.

Children who receive this type of connection, at any age, are most likely to be outgoing socially and confident in their ability to connect with others.

Barber describes regulation as what most people call "rules." His study reveals that children function optimally when they have some kind of consistent, clear structure or regulation placed around their behaviours. Psychological autonomy has to do with the ability of children to discover their own feelings and thoughts and ideas and the ability to express them freely.