The Tribune, Chandigarh, India

Wanted: The Perfect Bride for not-so-perfect Groom
By Mohinder Singh

AN occasional glance through matrimonial columns, say in the Sunday’s Times, can be a rewarding reading even if you aren’t in the marriage market. Possibly nothing rivals matrimonial ads in reflecting the ruling middle class values, more so of the upwardly mobile classes. Some of the ads are no less illuminating than extracts from Pawan Varma’s book The Great Indian Middle Class.

Marriage continues to be a serious, solemn commitment with us; not only for the individuals involved but for their respective families, too. No wonder, most matrimonial ads are formalised as offers of “alliance” from families. The prospective groom, whether he happens to be an independent businessman of 33 is still a “boy” and the bride whether a career woman of 29 is still a “girl”.

The idealised bride-to-be! Who’s she? And how has her image changed over the years?

Some things stay unchanged: she should be young, beautiful, tall, slim, fair, homely, educated. And, of course, hailing from a respectable family — the word “respectable” is steadily getting replaced by “status”.

Thirty years back the optimum age was 20 — the age around which beauty queens get selected. With demand for brides with higher education and specialisation, the same has moved up by a few years. But anyone pushing 30 has to do some explaining, such as “looking younger than she is”. That’s the irony. Young men and women climbing up the career ladder through their late twenties face an altogether differing prospect; while men keep on notching gains, women start losing heavily in the marriage market.

Beauty is the common denominator, asked for as well as offered (that way we should be a beautiful people).

Perhaps the term is popular because “slim” is such a nice-sounding word. After all who can vouchsafe that today’s slim won’t be tomorrow’s plump? Incidentally, an obese condition that’s apt to attract unwelcome attention is euphemistically described as “healthy”.

In our colour-conscious setting, the skin pigment is paramount. The ads give umpteen gradations of fair: very fair, most fair, extremely fair, milky white complexion. On the other hand, “wheatish” alone is there to accommodate all shades of the less fair. It’s a pity, the Queen’s English is not inclined to incorporate this picturesque expression.

It is still a sexist world where a girl’s physical attributes undergo a far closer scrutiny than that of the boy. Any female infirmity, such as a stammer or squint or even glasses has to be listed out bravely while boys rarely bother to mention their bodily imperfections. And that’s when males, on average, are heir to more bodily defects than females.

The most popular epithet used for girls is “homely”. No doubt there are other descriptions of her good nature, such as amiable, affectionate, simple natured, sweet natured, soft-spoken, cooperative, cheerful, or perfect. But the adjective “homely” takes the pride of the place. “Homely” in the Concise Oxford Dictionary means simple, primitive, unpretending. Americans are far harsher; the New Webster defines it as plain in appearance, unattractive.

Yet, to us, the word homely (home-loving) symbolised the very quintessence of what an Indian male and his family would want of the new bride. At the minimum, it denotes a good homemaker, a devoted housewife, an obedient daughter-in-law, and a would-be doting mother — in short, a giver, not a taker. And the homely part can’t be pared irrespective of her being engaged in out-of-home work.

Close on the heels of beauty comes education; the higher the better, preferably professional or technical with its surer potential for earning. Yet the ‘Open Sesame’ is still convent education — popularly associated with ease of speaking English and a flare in social mixing. Many bride seekers specify it as eminently desirable when some others make it an obligatory requirement. Similarly, on the girl’s side, such education is invariably highlighted. As even a brief spell of convent schooling could qualify for being called “convented”.

One thing the ads make abundantly clear. Girls nowadays are in receipt of much higher education, academic, professional, and skill-oriented like computer training. There was a time, a bride wanting to work outside met with family resistance, even hostility. The wheel has come full circle in the last three to four decades. Working wives are now preferred, often actively sought for. Even members of IAS/Allied Services are looking for mates from IAS/Allied Services.

At certain levels, a girl’s job and salary become as crucial to her marriage prospects as her looks and family. Of course, some people are seeking career women as wives for more equal partnership — let alone women themselves finding work satisfaction, the prime consideration is the double income. With the growing consumer culture and inflation, the attractions of a double-income are obvious.

It is heartening to see matrimonial ads of widows and girls “legally divorced”. The age-old prejudice is sought to be softened by terms such as sober, simple, adjustable, “no encumbrances”, “respectfully and legally divorced after a few days of marriage”. The expression most commonly used is “innocent party”. It’s more than the “innocent party” concept of the West.

The groom’s side seems to have an easier job in ads. You list your requirements of the bride and then mainly concentrate on detailing the groom’s income — often mentioned in terms of five figures or six figures or seven figures — and the family property. Age, height, looks, and family do play a part but it’s primarily his capacity as a solid provider that matters.

Grooms don’t have to spell out that they are caring or that they would be a help at home. At best, it is made out on their behalf that they have “clean habits”.

In the matrimonial ads the concept of an ideal husband has remained largely unchanged over the years. But the concept of an ideal wife has undergone a sea change in the last few decades. Besides being young, beautiful, slim, tall, fair, homely, and hailing from an acceptable family, she has to be educated, professional, and venturesome in work.

There is every indication that the Indian woman’s role is changing more rapidly than the Indian man’s.

Breaking Stereotypes
By Nanki Hans

My son parrots a poem he has been taught at school: Daddy ka hai paisa gol, Mummy ka hai roti gol... (Daddy's money, lead coin, is round and so is mummy's chappati). This set the alarm bells ringing in my mind. Does not the poem confirm the traditional stereotyped roles of men and women? Earning is no longer the domain of men and mothers play a role as much as outside their homes as inside, including the kitchen.

Being a single parent, I was petrified at the thought that my son may think his mother is not playing her assigned role and is a freak! The anxiety faced by my friend, a housewife who has a daughter, on account of this seemingly harmless rhyme is no less. She feels her daughter will think women are meant to be in the kitchen alone!

It is indeed alarming that textbooks, religion, the media make it seem the world revolves exclusively, or almost exclusively, around men. The twentieth century saw women take giant strides in various fields and a change in the condition of women as never before in the annals of history. Yet we have little information about their achievements.

We know that Marie Curie discovered radium with her husband, but few know that Emmy Noether invented modern algebra and Noether's theorem. She was admitted to a university in 1900 and allowed to attend lectures. She became an unpaid lecturer in 1915. How many of us know that Lady Constance Lytton led a demonstration in support of voting rights for women in London in 1909 and was paralysed as a result of police brutality.

Few know of Norwegian Elise Ottesen Jensen who is 1923 said: "A child must be wanted". She founded the Swedish family planning system.

In India, Mary D'Souza, a sprinter, and Neelima Gosh (80 metres hurdle) were the first Indian women to have participated in the Helesinki Olympics in 1952. Arati Gupta, a swimmer, crossed the English Channel in 1938. A.Lalita became the first Indian woman civil engineer in 1937. Regina Guha was the first Indian woman to have practiced law in 1922. The list of achievements is endless.

While it is too much to expect that schools will stop teaching poems as the one mentioned, it would be sensible to visually demonstrate to the child that the coins earned by mummy are as round as Daddy's and that fathers too can make chappatis almost as round as their mothers!