The Tribune, Chandigarh, India

HELPING TO HEAL

WHEN RAJASHREE SARDA, a trained psychologist, set up Helpline — a counselling service — she did not know that there would be so many people who needed help. After her postgraduation in psychology and an advanced course in counselling from Chennai, it was marriage and motherhood and a stint as an entrepreneur.

She started as a counsellor just to see "how good I was" and, surprisingly, the burgeoning number of clients speak of her success at trying to help people piece together their lives and resolve their contradictions. Her clients comprise students, models, professionals and even executives and fighter pilots of the Indian Air Force. Many couples who are trying to bridge the gap in their marriage also come to Helpline.

Depression is the predominant complaint that clients come to her with, followed by anxiety neuroses, marital problems, inability to form and stick to relationships, low-self esteem and stress management. Incest and sexual abuse is more rampant under the garb of middle class morality (hypocrisy) than we would either like to accept or believe. Similarly marriages are under strain because money is playing a greater role than ever before. It is intense rivalry, competition and tension coupled with a decline in tolerance and acceptance that are responsible for numerous interpersonal problems.

"The collapse of kinship culture and an extended joint family — natural shock absorbers — have led to this increasing vacuum in personal eyes," feels Rajshree. "In large joint families, it was rare not to be able to bond with someone. If you didn’t get along with one sister-in-law, you could unburden yourself to the other one. If you had a grievance with your husband, you could always confide in some else." Even friendships are not reliable and stable. That is where the need to confide in an absolute stranger comes in. The relative anonymity and the belief that one "will not be betrayed" goads people to seek professional help.

Rajshree Sarda People who come to Rajshree are not only from Chandigarh, Panchkula and Mohali but also from Amritsar and Ludhiana. It is generally word of mouth that they get to know about her.

What about the dependency that people developed on the counsellor? "That is but natural, here’s somebody who is sympathetic and not judgemental, listening to them patiently. This is where professionalism comes. I am objective and since it is a job that I am doing, I do not get emotionally involved. Very consciously I have compartmentalised my life." She does not take patients with alcohol and drug abuse related problems or with sexually related diseases — since they need institutional care and it is not fair to offer hope (as in AIDS) or lead on patients. When she feels that the patient needs psychiatric help, she refers them to a psychiatrist or a physician (in the case of physiological depression). On their part, certain psychiatrists too refer patients to Rajshree.

Money is not a criterion for her, since as she puts it "my kitchen doesn’t run on my practice." The wife of an established businessman-engineer, she prefers to work from home as it affords her more freedom.

—Aruti Nayar

Tips to overcome relationship blues

Who is going to be in control? If you try to control, you will destroy your marriage. So give up control.
Winner of a domestic quarrel is never really the winner. If you want to win learn to lose them.
Anger can be a response to pain so when your spouseresponds in anger, the argument must end.
Stop nagging. The things we nag about are our priorities, never your spouses. To achieve what you want, learn to motivate and remember blame placing never gets you solutions.
There are basic psychological and biological differences between men and women. Try to understand and then get understood. Love makes it possible to achieve as much closeness as possible but also to accept with good grace the distance that remains.
Be communicative always. It’s a thumb rule for all successful marriages Remember nobody understands the language of ‘silence’. It often gets misunderstood.
Accept your partner the way he\ she is. It is difficult to change and ask your self if you could change yourself according to your spouses’ desires.

Sparkle this Season !
By Gitanjali

THE FESTIVE SEASON is here again, announcing its arrival with the much-awaited holidays, crowded bazaars, cracker sounds, a nip in the air and a general feeling of cheer all around.

It is the time of the year when you feel good and you want to look good too. And there’s no time like the present to add some sparkle to your self and update your wardrobe. No, nothing outlandish as seen on the ramps, but certainly something different from the routine wear.

Your good old jeans and the workable salwar kameezes may be your lifelines, no doubt, but the festive occasion demands something special and eye-catching.

To start with, you can innovate and experiment with these two versatile items of clothing, for fusion is the trend of the season— be it a blend of the traditonal with the bohemian or modern with the ethnic. You can mix’n’match embroidered jeans or capris —the hot favourites of the season — with short kurtas and have an ethnic scarf flung around the neck or you can go for a more formal look with a knee-length embroidered raw silk kameez paired with matching straight-fit trousers. The length and the shape of the kurta or kameez can be varied to your liking.

For a more off-beat look, you can opt for a wraparound ( offshoot of a lungi) or a straight ankle-length skirt in ethnic prints. A festive look can be lent to the outfit by getting some colourful embroidery done on the border of the skirt.This can be worn with a kurti or a short, well-fitting shirt, with or without collars. Chinese collars, however, look great with ethnic wear.

Finally, the dependable saree can almost always be banked upon to grace a festive occasion. This five-yard piece of traditional clothing can be improvised upon to get a glamorous look that is in no way Indian.The drape looks more western with clinging fabrics like crepes and synthetics. For a more chic look, the saree can be teamed with a matching long dupatta, giving the outfit a flowing two-piece effect. Keeping in mind the fusion line, the forever-favourite silks can be worn with collared, buttoned-up blouses, Nehru jackets or even short, sleeveless jackets.

Upon deciding the main outfit, complement that festive look with certain indispensable accessories. A formal silk dress may demand a classy clutch bag, whereas a sturdy jute bag with mirror and bead work may look just apt with your embroidered denims. Flashy jewellery is best left for weddings.

Whatever you choose for your wardrobe this season, make sure it is comfortable to wear and lights up the festival of lights!

Keep the Flame Alive
By Renu Manish Sinha

IT WAS A CHANCE meeting with a ‘former’ role model (by your thirties either you are a role model yourself or you stop emulating one) that peeled away the layers of time and a vista of memories flicked through the mind.

The image of a carefree, headstrong girl having her usual ‘romance’ with feminism at that age with a fierce determination to do her bit for the cause imprinted across her face, was the clearest one. But time, a cynical attitude, career, husband and a kid had added thick layers of defeat and dust on the cause which had been so dear to her heart. The zest had been swept aside by the magnitude of the issue, the enormity of which, had overshadowed its achievements.

But the meeting peeled away those layers baring the tiny corner of the mind where a little spark was still alive. In fact the meeting both shamed and reinspired me to emulate this person who had named away her life in the pursuit of the cause, while I and many others had just given up against the odds. It also made me realise that there were thousands like me whose passion for the cause would have been inundated with similar problems. So, this is an appeal to all those who once breathed the cause but were asphyxiated, to rediscover that tiny spark of hope, to shed the cynicism and emerge out of these layers not just to infuse life into the cause but also add a new meaning to their lives as well. It is an appeal not to let sensitive being inside you be suffocated by life’s inanities.