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D-day arrived. Dressed in their Sunday best they went to meet their prospective samdhis. They returned with beaming faces. "Everything is settled, our princess couldn’t have found a better home", said the girl’s maternal granny, happiness writ large on her face. "So, what was the clincher?", I ask, curiosity getting the better of me. "Was it the boy’s striking good looks, his parents’ dignified bearing, an immaculately done up home or their impressive lineage which boasted of a serious academic profile?" Granny was quick to pipe in before anybody could put their finger to the exclusive factor which made their reservations and anxieties turn into a well-formed certainty. She said, "Seeing the way the old people have been kept in that house was indicative of the family’s value system. What a perfect couple the octogenarians made! Gracious, smartly turned out, wise, hospitable, humourous and, above all, respected. We have been floored by the charm and the underlying cheer and harmony which seems to flow in the veins of this family. Our daughter will find true happiness there". We, in India, pride ourselves on our strong family ties. Parents are said to be our most valuable resource. Joint families may be breaking up but there is place in our minds, hearts and homes for aging parents who we accommodate without any doubts and misgivings. It is an eventuality most of us are prepared for. It is an accepted thing that a son will look after his parents or the only daughter will shoulder their responsibility when the time comes. We tell ourselves that the concept of old age homes has no relevance here. So what is granny beaming about? What is the big deal about parents being kept well? Of course, they would be treated with respect. Aren’t they the senior- most members of the family without whose cognisance and blessings no event, occasion and celebration is complete? Granny obviously thinks otherwise. Now that she is holding court, having everyone’s rapt attention, she makes her point forcefully, "Ask yourself honestly if the older generation is not going through a serious identity crisis. Do most of us go beyond meeting their physical needs, like shelter, board and lodging? Do we nurture their emotional, psychological and spiritual needs? Do we sincerely value them and ensure that their twilight years are filled with love, understanding and gentle compassion?" Making a prophetic statement she adds, "Beautiful young people are accidents but beautiful old people are works of art." Just jog your memory and recall how many homes boast of a set of parents whose presence doesn’t embarrass the younger ones, especially in front of visitors? More often than not older parents are clothed in faded, limp attire. Bent with age and lined with worries, they look sad and worn out. She quickly recounted instances of friends who had lived tough lives making ends meet, fulfilling obligations, educating children and getting them married.According to her, in the older days that is where parental responsibility ended. Children had found wings and taken flight. But today, they refuse to get settled. Job-switching, late marriages, divorces, single parenting and working parents have made the family unit fragile. Under the circumstances, the sons and daughters look up to their aging parents as stabilising factors. So, whether or not the old couple is capable doing it, they are expected to baby sit; part with hard earned money; willingly take back daughters when they decide to leave their marital homes; support them through the crisis and rehabilitate them. With soaring house rents and raised standards of living, more and more youngsters are preferring to live with their parents. Never mind if the living area is cramped and everyone is impinging on the others’ space and privacy. Here the decision to live together is not so much out of concern for the elderly but because it is convenient. Granny rattled off a dozen names of her friends who had no personal time for themselves, who felt guilty taking out half-an-hour for the daily satsang and prayer in the colony, who were miserable and unhappy at the way they were made to compromise and resort to silence every time they saw something that caused them hurt and displeasure. Most off them were weighed down by guilt and/or gratitude. Guilt for being a burden and gratitude for being ‘allowed’ to live with their child. Most felt that since they could not compensate in monetary terms, they must run odd errands and make themselves ‘useful’. We tried coming up with at least one home where old parents and their children lived happily as one big cohesive family; where the house crackled with warmth, fun and togetherness. Most of us drew a blank. Images flashed quickly across the mindscape. Old mother trying to make herself invisible as she sat huddled in the verandah while guests sat in living room, drinking, dancing and making merry; son getting visibly embarrassed when the father walked in, got talking after the mandatory introductions and refused to get up. It was as if a dam had burst and he couldn’t stop even if he wanted to --- his loneliness and sense of isolation were so pronounced; a friend’s mother quietly walking into the kitchen, stumbling most of the way, unable to see with her advanced cataract, to wash the dishes after her daughter-in-law’s monthly kitty party. Her faded, ill-fitting salwar kameez was such a contrast to her babu’s designer creation. It may be difficult for three generations to find a common level playing field where they can carve a separate niche for themselves and still be tuned to each other as they create their own unique brand of family happiness. But for families which have found that, it is the greatest security, insurance and cover against mishaps, traumas, accidents and the lows of life. Surely, the right place for your daughter to be. You can be rest assured that she is in safe hands and in good company. |
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A
few months ago some relatives came visiting. They were in town to fix a
matrimonial alliance for their daughter. There was much excitement and
anticipation as the girl’s side readied to put their best foot
forward. Technically speaking, they were placed a rung higher than the
boy in terms of social and financial status. Yet, they were nervous. The
boy was handsome, had a management degree from Harvard and was working
in an international bank. The family desperately wanted their stars to
match.