"Do you know me?"

A SMALL town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grand motherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, you manipulate people, and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence, and called both counsellors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!"

Vermont vs Texas

The Texan visiting Vermont asked a farmer how large an acreage he cultivated. The Vermonter said meditatively, "Oh, it’s quite large. My farm extends for about a hundred yards in that direction and for nearly hundred-twenty yards in that. And how large an acreage do you handle?" The Texan could not help but smile. "Back home," he said, "I have a ranch with my house at one end. I can get into my car at the house, turn the ignition key, step on the gas, and at the end of the day, still not have reached the other end." The Vermont farmer nodded sympathetically. "Tough! I once had a car like that, too."

(These jokes have been culled from various sites on the Internet by Sunil Sharma)