Safe custody

ONCE a divorce case was being settled in court and the Judge asked the little kid of the couple, "Little boy, would you like to stay with your father?"

The kid said, "No he beats me everyday!"
The judge asked him, "So you want to stay with your mother?"

He replied, "No! She also beats me!"
Now the judge got a little confused and asked the boy sternly, "Well who do you want to stay with in that case?"

The kid answered, "I want to stay with the Indian Cricket Team, because it never beats anyone."

On the scale

A wife noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don’t think that is going to help."

"Sure it does," he said. "It’s the only way I can see the numbers..."

The fur coat

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an
absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier goes up to the guy
and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I’ll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." Says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to
pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged:
"How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn’t a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

A complicated breakfast order

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the headwaiter one morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile.

"Good Morning sir. What a wonderful morning I’d like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it’s runny, and the other so over cooked it’s tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it’s impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."

"That’s a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

The guest replied, "Oh? I don’t understand — that’s what I got yesterday!"

Wake me up

Once a Blonde was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the Blonde deserved more service. So, when the Blonde fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Blonde was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror.

"What’s the matter?" Says his wife.

He replied, "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else".

"Student of the Torah"

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?", asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don’t worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God."

(These jokes have been culled from various sites on the Internet by Sunil Sharma)